i  Mllli!  jliSiSii 


imZ MW 

H  ]  SSSwi 

1  dire 

B  jHBB 

y$§M&y 

^r 

gmpr:^ 

51  --\js»»  ^  *  ‘Cfet 

&Jrv\V\  bMb 

>.  vLi\A  >#SKfc 

■  : 


losoovtS 


U'V 


Jl*  A.  U 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2018  with  funding  from 
Getty  Research  Institute 


https://archive.org/details/logofarkOOgord 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  AM 


“  A  large  crowd  came 
down  to  see  us  off.” 


68lflfTH  AVF.Nl IF  —^sew  YORK  ••• 


Copyright 

by 

E.  P.  DUTTON  &  COMPANY 
1915 


Ube  Iknicfterboc&er  press 
Hew  lorfc 


WHO’S  WHO  ON  THE  ARK 


Captain 

Myself 

First  Officer  . 

Shem 

Second  Officer 

Ham 

Third  Officer  . 

Japheth 

Purser 

Myself 

Wireless  Operator  . 

Shem 

Chief  Engineer 

Ham 

Chief  Steward 

Japheth 

Veterinarian 

Myself 

Chief  Cook 

Mrs .  Noah 

Bottle  Washer 

Mrs .  Shem 

Stewardess 

Mrs .  Ham 

Laundress 

Mrs  Japheth 

Stokers 

Automatic 

Cargo 

.  Live  Stock 

vii 


Vlll 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK. 


WEDNESDAY,  b.c.  2349.  Course — to  Ara¬ 
rat.  Weather — clear  and  rain.  Wind — 
starting  to  blow.  Sea — calm.  Ship’s  Run 
— 1  league. 

Remarks  : 

Weighed  anchor:  2240  pounds. — My  rheu¬ 
matism  hurt.  I  just  knew  it  would  rain. — A 
large  crowd  came  down  to  see  us  off.  Re¬ 
ceived  delegation  of  S.  P.  C.  A.  They 
presented  me  with  a  gold-handled  umbrella. 
— Someone  sent  the  women  folks  a  bunch  of 
American  beauties. — Many  of  my  neighbours 
say  I  am  crazy. — It  began  to  rain— crowd  dis¬ 
persed. — There  is  a  lot  of  hubbub  in  getting  an 
Ark  off. — Half  an  hour  late  in  starting.  Ham 
doesn’t  understand  some  of  the  levers. — Ship’s 
band  played  the  national  anthems  as  we  sailed 
away.— Sent  sailing  lists  to  all  my  friends. 
Gave  them  to  the  pilot  to  mail. — Dropped  pilot 
at  7.30  p.m.  I  was  sorry  to  see  him  go. — Cargo 
all  well  and  quiet. — I  wonder  if  I  will  be  seasick? 


I 


2 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — higher. .  Sea — still 
calm.  Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

Rained  all  last  night  and  today.  I  didn’t 
sleep  well.  Mrs.  Noah  insists  upon  having  the 
lower  berth.  I  had  to  climb  up  top.  If  I  fall 
and  break  my  neck  it  will  be  serious. — Spent 
morning  in  smoking-room  reading  steamer 
letters.  Several  magazines  offer  half  a  shekel  a 
word  for  my  story.  Some  vaudeville  manager 
wants  me  to  go  on  the  stage  if  I  get  away  with 
the  trip.  The  University  of  Bagdad  ask  me 
to  will  them  my  brains. — Mrs.  Japheth  forgot 
one  of  her  steamer  trunks,  and  wants  us  to  go 
back. — Ham  says  he  thinks  he  knows  which 
levers  will  stop  the  Ark. — All  well  on  board. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


3 


FRIDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — same  as  yesterday. 
Sea — very  calm.  Ship’s  Run — i y2.  Wire¬ 
less  Report;  Mountain  resorts  doing  good 
business.  Hotels  all  crowded. 

Remarks  : 

We  ran  aground  this  morning.  Mrs.  Noah 
and  the  girls  were  badly  frightened.  I  signalled 
for  a  tug  which  pulled  us  off.  The  captain 
wanted  to  know  about  the  salvage.  I  told  him 
to.  see  the  owners  or  the  insurance  company. 
Doubt  if  he  ever  will  be  paid. — I  can’t  sleep 
very  well.  The  bunk  is  too  narrow.  I  don’t 
like  steamer  bunks  any  more  than  I  do  a  Pull¬ 
man. — Mrs.  Noah  complains  of  the  motion  of 
the  ship.  I  haven’t  felt  it,  but  the  throbbing 
of  the  engines  is  annoying. — Didn’t  eat  much 
today. — Cargo  still  quiet.  I’m  a  little  worried 
about  the  two  caterpillars.  What  if  they  are 
not  mates? 


4 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — shifted.  Sea — 

same  as  yesterday.  Ship’s  Run — 2.  Wire¬ 
less  Report — C.  Q.  D.  Antioch. 

Remarks: 

The  rooster  woke  me  up  this  morning. — 
Oldest  inhabitants  can’t  remember  when  it  has 
rained  so  hard. — There’s  not  much  fun  stand¬ 
ing  on  the  bridge  for  four  hours  at  a  time.  I 
thought  all  the  captain  of  an  Ark  had  to  do  was 
talk  to  the  ladies.  There’s  some  responsibility 
connected  with  a  vessel  of  this  size,  and  such  a 
mixed  cargo.  It  might  have  a  serious  effect  on 
posterity  should  we  be  wrecked. — All  indica¬ 
tions  point  to  unusually  high  water.  We  passed 
several  mountains  today.  Mountains  do  look 
strange  without  their  valleys. — I’m  learning 
to  read  the  charts. — Japheth  complains  that 
the  triceratops  prorus,  the  iguanodon  bernissar- 
tensis,  and  the  dinosaurs  are  not  eating.  We’re 
always  having  trouble  with  those  what-you- 
may-call-its. — Mrs.  Noah  says  the  Ark  is  begin¬ 
ning  to  smell  like  a  barn.  I  can’t  help  that. 
— Took  my  bath. 


“  Can't  remember  when 
it  has  rained  so  hard  ” 


6 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — higher.  Sea — 

higher.  Ship’s  Run — i.  Wireless  Report — 
Ephesus  C.  Q.  D.’d.  So  did  Tyre. 

Remarks  : 

I  never  saw  such  a  rain.  It  simply  poured  all 
day. — No  ministers  aboard  so  I  had  to  conduct 
the  services  in  the  saloon  this  morning.  Took 
as  my  text — Genesis  7:7.  Mrs.  Shem  played 
the  harpsichord.  No  collection. — Sea  just  a 
little  rougher  this  afternoon. — Have  had  a  time 
keeping  Ham  in  the  engine  room.  He’s  lazy 
He  would  rather  fish  than  work.  Ham’s  wife 
always  sides  with  him.  I’m  afraid  I’ll  have 
trouble  with  her. — Hope  we  don’t  run  into  any 
of  those  waterspouts  I’ve  read  about.— Cargo 
still  quiet.  Hope  none  of  those  submarines 
attack  us. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


7 


MONDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — N.  E.  Sea — a  bit 
choppy.  Ship’s  Run — yi.  Wireless  Re¬ 
port — S.  O.  S.  Chaldea. 

Remarks  : 

Women  folks  kicked  to  beat  the  band.  It 
was  too  wet  to  hang  out  the  wash.  I  told  them 
to  bring  enough  lingerie  to  last  forty  days.  I 
always  thought  women’s  clothes  were  too 
complicated  anyway. — Made  an  inspection  of 
the  staterooms.  Everything  O.  K.  and  sanitary. 
Some  of  the  animals  are  a  little  crowded,  but 
I  can’t  help  that  when  each  mammoth  takes 
two  staterooms. — The  Shetland  ponies  need 
exercise,  but  it  keeps  on  raining. — Mrs.  Noah 
is  still  complaining.  She  can’t  stand  the  motion 
of  the  ship,  and  now  she  says  the  thought  of 
the  French  poodles  being  bunked  with  the 
rhino  is  horrible. — Real  estate  getting  scarce. — 
Had  the  auto  tires  thrown  overboard.  I 
couldn’t  see  any  use  for  them. 


8 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — same.  Sea — chop¬ 
pier.  Ship’s  Run — same.  Wireless  Report 
- — Record  high  water  in  Babylon.  Stores  flooded. 
Boats  in  streets. 


Remarks  : 

That  bunk  of  mine  is  made  of  concrete. — 
I’m  a  little  shaky  today.  Appetite  all  gone. 
Meals  don’t  taste  good.  Felt  better  on  deck. 
I’ve  never  been  seasick  in  my  life.  I  wonder  if 
this  is  it? — I’ll  be  all  right  tomorrow. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


9 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind— stronger.  Sea — 
pretty  rough.  Ship’s  Run — X-  Wireless 
Report — C.  Q.  D.  Bagdad. 

Remarks  : 

Rain  and  a  little  rougher.  Never  had  such 
strange  sensations.  I  excused  myself  from  the 
dinner  table.  I  don’t  think  it’s  the  motion  of  the 
boat,  but  the  smell  of  the  cooking  and  the  vibra¬ 
tion.  I  like  to  keep  perfectly  quiet  in  my 
steamer  chair  and  have  plenty  of  air. — Mrs. 
Japheth  brought  me  a  sardine  sandwich  this 
afternoon.  That  was  sinful. — Only  stuck  my 
head  in  the  dining-room  door  at  supper  time. 
I’d  like  to  be  on  dry  land  just  now.  Mrs.  Noah 
is  a  nuisance.  She  wants  to  know  what  she  can 
do  for  me.  Why  can’t  people  let  me  alone  in 
these  critical  times?  Wonder  if  I  am  seasick? — 
I’ll  be  all  right  tomorrow. 


10 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — stronger.  Sea — nau¬ 
seating.  Ship’s  Run — X.  Wireless  Report 
— Work  stopped  on  tower  of  Babel. 

Remarks  : 

Rougher  and  more  rain. — Tried  to  get  up  this 
morning  but  gave  it  up.  Every  time  the  Ark 
pitches  I  feel  so  uncomfortable.  Nothing  I 
eat  stays  et.  Mrs.  Noah  and  the  girls  brought 
hot  lemonade  and  gruel  into  my  cabin.  It  only 
takes  the  thought  of  such  things  to  make  my 
sensations  worse.  I  don’t  see  why  they  had  to 
fry  onions  today. — The  second  officer  came  in 
tonight  and  said  it  was  my  watch.  I  told  him 
the  Ark  could  get  along  without  my  watch. 
He  said  we  might  founder  if  the  bridge  was 
empty.  I  told  him  I  didn’t  care  if  we  did. — 
Mrs.  Ham  says  there  is  no  such  a  thing  as  sea¬ 
sickness.  She  claims  it’s  a  state  of  mind.  Why 
can’t  people  let  me  alone? — I’ll  be  all  right  to¬ 
morrow. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


II 


FRIDAY.  Course —  Weather —  Wind — 
Sea —  Ship’s  Run —  Wireless  Report — 

Remarks  : 

_ j 


12 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — abating.  Sea — 
steadier.  Shi  p  ’  s  Run — I  forgot  to  look .  W ire- 
less  Report — S.  0.  S.  Troy. 

Remarks  : 

Am  writing  this  in  bed.  Guess  it  rained 
yesterday.  Oh !  it  was  awful !  I  must  have  been 
seasick.  How  I  wanted  the  old  ship  to  sink! 
My  system  never  went  back  on  me  like  that — 
Oh !  it  was  frightful — horrible !  I  felt  as  though 
I  were  going  down  in  one  of  those  new-fangled 
elevators.  And  then,  these  people  kept  bother¬ 
ing  me.  I  wanted  to  die  alone.  I  told  the 
family  where  they  could  find  the  will. — Japheth 
said  I  should  eat  some  finnan  haddy.  That  was 
a  deliberate  attempt  on  my  life.  Mrs.  Shem 
made  me  suck  a  lemon,  and  take  a  bottle  of 
sure-cure  seasick  medicine.  I  nearly  died  after 
that.  Mrs.  Noah  kept  stroking  my  head,  and 
asking  what  I  wanted  to  eat.  Ham  brought 
me  a  bottle  of  cod  liver  oil.  I  wanted  to  smite 
him,  but  I  had  not  the  strength.  The  only 
comfort  I  had  was  Shem.  I  heard  him  say, 
“Why  don’t  you  people  get  out,  and  let  the  old 
man  alone?”  That  was  so  kind. — I  hope  I’ll 
be  all  right  tomorrow. — Postponed  my  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


13 


SUNDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — same.  Sea — calmer. 
Ship’s  Run — same  as  yesterday.  Wireless 
Report — C.  Q.  D.  Phoenicia. 

Remarks  : 

Still  raining.  Postponed  church  until  next 
Sunday. — I  went  up  on  deck  for  awhile.  Still 
feel  a  little  wabbly.  The  officers  accused  me  of 
being  seasick.  I  was  not.  Something  I  ate 
didn’t  agree  with  me. — I  miss  the  Sunday  news¬ 
papers. — The  male  elephant  was  down  with  a 
bad  tuskache  this  afternoon.  Tried  to  pull  it 
but  I  was  too  weak. 


14 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — no  wind.  Sea — all 
right  again.  Ship’s  Run — 3.  Wireless  Re¬ 
port — Peach  and  potato  crops  ruined. 

Remarks  : 

Rained  harder  than  usual. — The  elephant’s 
tusk  was  much  better  this  morning. — There’s 
a  funny  piece  of  mechanism  on  the  bridge.  It 
has  N.  S.  E.  W.  printed  on  it.  Shem  and  Ham 
say  it’s  a  game.  They  spin  a  needle  and  guess 
where  it  will  stop.  Shem  always  puts  his  money 
on  the  letter  N  and  wins.  They  wouldn’t  let 
me  play  the  N.  I  believe  Shem  is  a  capper. — 
This  weather  looks  like  a  real  flood. — I  feel  a 
little  better  today. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


15 


TUESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — none.  Sea — none. 
Ship’s  Run — 3.  Wireless  Report — C.  Q.  D. 
Mesopotamia. 

Remarks  : 

Mrs.  Noah  is  again  complaining.  She  says 
the  weather  takes  the  waves  out  of  her  marcels. 
I  suppose  on  the  forty-first  day  she  will  find 
fault  with  the  sunshine. — The  camels  took  a 
drink  four  days  ago,  and  haven’t  touched  a  drop 
since. — Shem  and  Ham  let  me  play  the  N  to¬ 
day.  I  lost  two  more  shekels.  I  think  that 
machine  is  possessed. — According  to  the  alma¬ 
nac  we  should  be  having  fine  weather. 


i6 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — moderate.  Sea — 
reposed.  Ship’s  Run — 4 y*.  Wireless  Re¬ 
port — none  today. 

Remarks  : 

Mrs.  Noah  is  becoming  attached  to  the  dip- 
lodocus  carnegiei.  The  two  are  together  a  great 
deal. — I  played  that  machine  again  today. 
Lost!  Just  before  I  quit,  I  saw  Shem  hold  a 
horseshoe  where  he  wanted  the  needle  to  stop. 
When  I  caught  him,  he  said  it  was  only  for  good 
luck.  I  see  through  that  game  now.  I’ll  catch 
them  tomorrow. — I’m  all  the  time  forgetting 
on  which  side  of  the  ship  the  red  lights  belong. 
I  can’t  see  the  use  of  making  my  Ark  look  like 
a  drug  store. — Weather  Forecast — continued 


ram. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


17 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — south.  Sea — same 
as  usual.  Rainfall — six  inches.  Ship’s  Run — 
2. 


Remarks  : 

This  morning  I  took  a  shoe  off  the  mare. 
Put  ten  shekels  on  the  letter  W.  Held  my  good- 
luck  shoe  at  the  letter.  Shem  held  his  at  E. 
Shem  won.  I’m  not  going  to  play  that  game 
any  more. — Guess  the  camels  must  be  sick. 
They  will  not  drink. — Don’t  see  land  anywhere. 
The  thousand-leggers  haven’t  their  sea  legs  as 
yet. 


“  I ’m  not  going  to  play 
that  game  any  more  ” 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


19 


FRIDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — steady.  Sea — same 
as  yesterday.  Ship’s  Run — 1.  Wireless 
Report — none . 

Remarks  : 

The  weather  still  has  it  in  for  us. — I  found 
Shem’s  good-luck  horseshoe.  It’s  a  magnet. 
The  scoundrel! — Spent  the  morning  reading  up 
on  animals.  Wish  I  knew  as  much  about  them 
as  Mr.  AEsop. — Japheth  says  the  peanut-eating 
varieties  have  consumed  477,392  nuts. — Nearly 
had  a  sad  disaster  today. — One  of  the  bull¬ 
frogs  jumped  overboard.  We  lowered  the  life¬ 
boat,  and  rescued  him  after  a  chase. — The  water 
spaniels  seem  to  enjoy  this  weather. — The 
women  folks  have  organized  some  kind  of  an 
“anti  ”  society. — The  food  on  board  is  extraordi¬ 
nary.  The  salt  air  seems  to  have  benefited  my 
appetite.  Still,  Mrs.  Noah  never  could  cook 
like  mother. 


20 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — straightahead.  Rain¬ 
fall — 5}^  inches.  Ship’s  Run — 4.  Sea — 
much  deeper. 

Remarks  : 

Did  not  sleep  well  last  night.  The  rain  on  the 
roof  keeps  me  awake. — Mrs.  Noah  went  about 
the  Ark  pinning  up  “No  smoking”  signs. — All 
at  sea  about  our  course.  If  the  world  is  round  we 
are  all  right.  If  it’s  flat  we  may  topple  off  the 
edge.  We  ancients  are  greatly  handicapped. 
Wish  Columbus  had  lived  before  my  time. 
Japheth  and  I  spent  the  whole  morning  trying 
to  figure  where  we  are.  His  calculations  make 
us  sailing  south  of  the  Dead  Sea.  Mine  show 
we  are  over  Sheba.  I’m  right  because  I’m  the 
captain. — The  camels  still  won’t  drink. — Had 
to  scold  Ham  for  trying  to  steal  the  fish-worms. 
I’ll  bet  he  wanted  to  go  fishing  tomorrow. — 
Took  my  bath. 


“  Spent  the  morning 
reading  up  on  animals  ” 


21 


22 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — cool.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

No  services.  Shem  ran  into  my  cabin  this 
morning.  He  was  greatly  excited.  He  said  the 
bothriospondylus  madagascariensis,  the  metrio- 
rhynchus  superciliosus,  and  the  long-horned 
brontotherium  had  climbed  out  of  their  stalls, 
and  were  fighting  with  the  macanchenia  pata- 
gonica  and  the  testudo  periniana.  I  went  down¬ 
stairs  and  found  that  the  bothriospondylus 
madagascariensis,  the  metriorhynchus  super¬ 
ciliosus,  and  the  long-horned  brontotherium 
were  not  fighting  with  the  macanchenia  pata- 
gonica  and  the  testudo  periniana,  but  with  the 
sceliditherium  leptocephalum  and  the  pachy- 
discus  peramphus.  The  noise  of  the  battle 
awoke  the  machairodus  negaeus,  the  horplo- 
phorus  ornatus,  and  the  pareiasaurus  serridens. 
They  began  to  purr.  It  was  a  good  thing  for  me 
I  was  not  stepped  on  while  stopping  the  fight. 
Gol  darn  the  fellow  who  gave  animals  such 


names. 


“It’s  a  good  thing  for 
me  I  wasn't  stepped  on 
while  stopping  the  fight” 


23 


24 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — dry.  Sea — smooth. 
Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

Twenty  days  out.  Rain  half  over. — Camels 
f  took  a  drink  today.  First  time  since  the  tenth. 
I’d  hate  to  be  a  camel. — I  won  the  pool  on  the 
ship’s  run. — We  have  to  watch  the  flies  all  the 
time  to  keep  them  away  from  the  fly-paper. — 
Shem  complains  that  the  lions  eat  too  much 
meat.  Meat  is  expensive  these  days.  I’m 
going  to  try  feeding  them  hay. — Shot  craps 
awhile  this  afternoon  with  Japh. — We  are  using 
the  sun-dials  again.  During  the  night  the 
ostrich  broke  into  the  chart  room  and  swallowed 
my  Ingersoll  chronometer. — It  takes  24  life 
preservers  to  go  around  the  elephant. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


25 


TUESDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — up  a  bit.  Sea — start¬ 
ing  to  blow.  Ship’s  Run — y2. 

Remarks  : 

I  am  sure  this  is  a  record  rain.  Read  all  the 
weather  reports,  but  can’t  find  any  to  beat  it. — 
Wish  I  had  spent  more  time  in  zoos  when  I  was 
ashore.  There  are  some  details  about  animals 
which  I  do  not  know.  Today  I  wanted  to  find 
out  why  the  canaries  always  attack  the  cuttle¬ 
fish. — The  girls  spent  the  afternoon  playing 
bridge.  War  in  camp  now. — Mrs.  Noah  has 
named  her  diplodocus  carnegiei  “  Yorick.”  It 
makes  me  laugh  to  see  them  promenading  the 
deck  together. — The  mice  broke  out  today. 


26 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY.  Course— straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — worse.  Sea — worse. 
Ship’s  Run — }{. 

Remarks  : 

The  typhoid  fever  germs  are  looking  thin.  I 
don’t  know  who  to  feed  them  on.  Sometimes  I 
think  it  would  be  a  good  idea  to  throw  them 
overboard,  but  I’m  too  tender-hearted. — My 
rain-coat  leaks.  Caught  a  bad  cold.  Mrs. 
Noah  made  a  mustard  foot-bath  for  me  to¬ 
night.  Drank  two  goblets  of  sassafras  tea. 
Mrs.  Ham  tried  to  give  me  some  patent  medi¬ 
cine.  No  sir,  I’ll  stick  to  the  old-fashioned 
remedies  every  time.  The  Ark  is  a  bad  place 
for  a  rheumatic. — Caught  Ham  making  hiero¬ 
glyphics  of  me  today. 


27 


28 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — terrible.  Sea — wild. 
Ship’s  Run — minus  19. 

Remarks  : 

I  stood  on  the  bridge  eighteen  hours  during  a 
storm.  Never  saw  such  waves.  Some  were  as 
high  as  the  Tower  of  Babel  is  going  to  be.  A 
few  broke  into  the  funnels.  Ham  was  flooded 
out  of  the  engine  room.  We  used  racks  on  the 
table,  and  had  trouble  with  the  soup.  The 
hippo  rolled  over  one  of  the  mice  and  nearly- 
squashed  it.  The  animals  got  all  mixed  up. 
The  lightning  turned  the  condensed  milk  sour. 
Mrs.  Shem  says  she  will  be  able  to  make  cheese 
out  of  it.  Had  to  throw  the  library  overboard 
to  save  the  ship.  I  saved  the  almanac,  Aisop’s 
animal  book,  the  dictionary,  and  the  Every¬ 
man’s  Encyclopedia.  The  sea  is  quieting  now. 
I’m  dead  tired.  Now  to  bed. — I  wonder  where 
mother-in-law  is  tonight? 


29 


Had  to  throw  the  library  overboard  to  save  the  ship 


30 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

W  eather — rain .  Wind  —  less.  Sea — less. 
Ship’s  Run — i. 

Remarks  : 

While  making  an  inspection  of  the  fowls  of 
the  air,  I  heard  someone  talking.  Thought  it 
was  a  stowaway  until  I  found  two  Irish-green 
birds  with  Hebraic  beaks  and  the  voice  of  a 
man.  They  are  the  most  wonderful  birds  I 
ever  saw.  One  of  them  hollered  “hello,”  and 
the  other  says  something  about  a  cracker. 
I’m  going  to  make  friends  with  them.  Took 
them  to  my  stateroom.  They  eat  sunflower 
seed  and  climb  with  their  faces. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


31 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — from  astern.  Sea — 
quiet.  Ship’s  Run — resumed  normal  speed. 

Remarks  : 

I  must  be  careful  what  I  say  before  those 
green  birds.  While  hunting  for  a  collar-button 
I  bumped  my  head.  When  Mrs.  Noah  came 
into  the  room  they  repeated  what  I  said. — I 
wish  it  would  stop  raining  so  I  could  paint  the 
ship. — Yorick  keeps  pawing  at  the  stateroom 
door  during  the  night.  He  is  worse  than  a  wolf. 
I  don’t  dare  say  anything. — Bath. 


32 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — shifty.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run— 3. 

Remarks  : 

Not  a  sign  of  a  let-up  in  the  rain. — Services 
this  a.m. — One  of  those  impudent  birds  called 
me  “whiskers”  today.  I  hung  them  down  in 
the  engine  room  for  punishment.  Mrs.  Noah 
said  it  was  cruel  to  leave  them  in  that  smoky 
place.  Tonight  she  brought  them  back  to  the 
stateroom.  Their  language  was  shocking. 
They  had  learned  a  lot  of  new  words. — I  like 
Sundays.  W e  always  have  ice-cream  for  dinner. 
— I  caught  Ham  fishing  today.  Put  the  fish- 
worms  in  the  safe.  I  don’t  trust  him. — Shem 
says  the  lookout  barrel  is  too  tight  for  him. 


_ 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


33 


MONDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — moist.  Sea — cheer¬ 
less.  Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

Another  wash-day  ruined. — We  can’t  stand 
those  birds  any  more.  I  think  Ham  must  have 
taught  them  that  strange  language.  I  locked 
them  up  in  the  booby  hatch  so  they  won’t 
contaminate  the  other  birds. — Came  into  the 
cabin  with  muddy  feet  today.  Mrs.  Noah  gave 
it  to  me.  I  don’t  see  why  I  can’t  do  as  I  please 
on  my  own  Ark. — Had  my  hair  cut.  These 
ship  barbers  are  miserable  and  their  prices  are 
exorbitant. — Won  pool  on  ship’s  run.  The 
women  keep  asking  me  when  the  rain  will  stop. 
They  want  to  use  their  kodaks. 


34 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — abating.  Sea — 
squally.  Ship’s  Run — i . 

Remarks: 

I  am  awakened  every  morning  by  the  crew 
scrubbing.  It  sounds  as  though  they  bring 
the  trunks  out  of  the  hold  and  shuffle  them 
around  the  decks. — We  had  quite  a  hunt  this 
afternoon.  Some  of  the  ant-eaters’  food  es¬ 
caped.  Mrs.  Japheth  finally  found  them  in  the 
preserves.— The  rhino  had  a  bad  accident  last 
night.  He  tripped  while  walking  downstairs. 
Several  square  feet  of  hide  was  torn  off.  We 
riveted  on  a  piece  of  boiler  plate. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


35 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — high.  Sea — dis¬ 
turbed.  Ship’s  Run — yi. 

Remarks  : 

Greatly  disappointed  at  breakfast.  My  day 
for  the  egg,  but  the  hen  didn’t  lay  one. — The 
male  whale  has  a  bad  attack  of  eczema.  I  must 
be  careful  of  that  fish.  I  have  to  save  him  for 
Jonah. — My  steamer  rug  is  almost  worn  out. — 
Ouch!  I  just  killed  a  mosquito.  I  don’t  mind 
their  singing,  but  I  can’t  get  used  to  their  bites. 
• — One  of  my  back  teeth  began  to  ache. 


36 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

An  all-day  rain. — I  can’t  get  along  with  Mrs. 
Ham.  About  all  she  can  do  is  sit  around  and 
try  to  look  pretty.  She  can’t  even  do  that  very 
well.  Her  family  thought  Ham  married  her 
for  her  money.  Some  women  are  so  useless. 
Mrs.  Shem  and  Mrs.  Japheth  are  so  different. 
They  are  sympathetic  and  love  the  cargo.  They 
seem  to  realize  I  have  done  quite  a  favour  in 
bringing  them  along.  It  does  my  heart  good  to 
see  Mrs.  Shem  pet  those  pigs.  She  would  make 
a  dandy  snake-charmer.  That  Ham  woman 
only  plays  with  the  French  poodle  and  the 
pomeranian.  Today  she  refused  to  feed  the 
mosquitoes.  She  said  they  make  lumps  on  her 


arms. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


37 


FRIDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — hot.  Sea — peace¬ 
ful.  Ship’s  Run — 3. 

Remarks  : 

Set  the  sun-dial  ahead  half  an  hour.  Have  to 
do  that  every  day  to  keep  up  with  the  run  of  the 
ship. — The  giraffe  has  a  cold  in  his  throat.  Mrs. 
Noah  took  all  my  red  flannels  and  forty  pounds 
of  bacon  to  make  a  bandage. — I  get  all  muddled 
up  when  I  try  to  figure  where  we  are.  The  first 
officers  thinks  we  are  off  the  coast  of  Egypt. 
That’s  where  they  are  going  to  build  the  pyra¬ 
mids.  I  guess  we  are  sailing  along  the  African 
coast.  Keeping  a  sharp  lookout  for  pirates. — - 
The  women  folks  are  always  asking  me  when 
it  will  stop  raining.  They  say  nobody  will 
believe  they  have  been  away  unless  they  are 
sunburned. 


38 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — tempered.  Sea — 
none.  Ship’s  Run — none.  Stopped  for.  repairs. 

Remarks  : 

Rained  pitchforks  all  day. — Put  an  extra 
officer  on  deck  to  watch  for  pirates.  The  high 
seas  are  dangerous  in  these  prehistoric  days.— 
Ham  won’t  let  his  wife  tend  the  whales.  He 
says  her  clothes  smell  fishy.  I’ll  never  go 
through  another  flood  so  short-handed. — Shem 
tells  me  I  ought  to  put  the  latitude  and  longi¬ 
tude  in  the  log.  I  didn’t  like  to  show  my  igno¬ 
rance  so  I  said  I  would,  but  I  won’t. — This  damp 
weather  has  a  depressing  effect  on  the  officers 
and  the  family.  It  also  is  making  the  canary 
seed  sprout,  and  putting  mould  on  the  hay. — 
Guess  all  the  mines  are  flooded  by  this  time. 
I  had  stock  in  several — guaranteed  to  pay  200 
per  cent.  Hope  they  are  waterproof.  Wish  it 
were  the  fortieth. — Bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


39 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Services  this  A. M.  We  are  saving  the  collec¬ 
tion  until  we  get  ashore. — I’m  600  years  old 
today.  I’ll  be  grey  soon.  The  family  got  tired 
pounding  me.  Tonight  the  officers  and  their 
wives  gave  me  a  surprise  party.  Mrs.  Shem 
baked  a  cake,  but  you  couldn’t  see  it  for  candles. 
Mrs.  Japheth  gave  me  some  records  for  the 
talking  machine.  Shem  gave  me  a  red  tie. 
Ham  gave  me — no,  he  didn’t  give  me  anything. 
He  wished  me  many  happy  returns  of  the  day. 
His  wife  presented  me  with  a  pair  of  dancing 
sandals.  Japheth  donated  a  bottle  of  hair 
tonic.  Mrs.  Noah  knitted  me  some  socks  and  a 
nightcap. 

I’m  getting  along  in  years,  but,  still,  grandpa 
was  something  like  1000  before  they  made  a 
mummy  out  of  him.  I  want  to  get  away  with 
this  trip.  It  will  be  a  good  thing  for  my  reputa¬ 
tion.  Perhaps  it  will  make  me  famous.  I  want 
my  posterity  to  have  a  fine  opinion  of  me.  It’s 
a  good  thing  for  them  I  was  born.  I’d  like  to 
live  a  few  hundred  years  more  to  see  some  of 
my  descendants,  but  it  isn’t  a  good  thing  to 
have  too  much  to  do  with  one’s  relations.  I 


40 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


wonder  where  I’ll  be  when  I  am  700?  Mrs. 
Noah  did  not  abuse  me  once  today. — No  pirates 
yet. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


41 


MONDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — variable.  Sea — full 
of  seaweed.  Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

The  welsh  rarebit  we  had  at  my  party  last 
night  kept  me  awake. — I  wonder  what  that 
latitude  and  longitude  is?  I  ought  to  have 
taken  a  course  in  navigation  before  I  undertook 
this  trip. — We  are  using  the  flint  and  steel 
again.  The  matches  are  too  damp. — Mrs.  Ham 
complains  about  the  butter.  She  says  it  is 
rancid.  She  can’t  expect  a  Ritz-Carlton  aboard. 
It  was  guaranteed  for  a  year.  If  I  ever  find  the 
manufacturer  I’ll  make  him  live  up  to  his 
agreement. — My  umbrella  needs  re-covering. 
This  weather  is  certainly  monotonous. — No 
pirates  yet. 


42 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — invariable.  Sea — 
middling.  Ship’s  Run — 2. 

Remarks  : 

I  was  nearly  scared  to  death  last  night.  The 
dogs  awakened  me.  The  Irish  setters  barked 
with  a  pronounced  brogue.  At  first  I  thought 
someone  was  breaking  into  the  chicken  coop — 
then  I  thought  of  the  pirates !  Put  on  my  night¬ 
cap,  took  a  candle,  and  went  below.  Someone 
hollered,  “Who?”  I  said,  “I’m  Noah,  and 
who  are  you  or  I’ll  fire?”  I  was  scared  stiff .  No 
answer.  I  couldn’t  find  anybody  except  the 
two  birds  that  sleep  all  day.  They  kept  winking 
and  blinking  at  me.  Didn’t  find  any  pirates, 
but  I  went  back  to  bed  and  dreamed  about  them. 
Ham  says  that’s  what  I  get  for  reading  ten 
shekel  novels. 


“  I  went  back  to  bed  and 
dreamed  about  pirates  ” 


44 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — rain.  Wind — puffy.  Sea — dismal. 
Ship’s  Run — 3. 

Remarks  : 

Seven  kittens  came  aboard  during  the  night. 
I  don’t  know  what  on  earth  to  do  with  them. 
Ham  wants  to  feed  them  to  the  iguanodon 
bernissartensis.  I  think  they  ought  to  go  into 
the  rain-water  barrel.  Mrs.  Noah  and  the  girls 
say  they  will  never  speak  to  me  if  I  drown 
them. — I’m  resting  easier.  We’re  out  of  the 
pirate  belt. — Our  charts  are  worthless  now. 
The  water  is  too  deep  for  them. — Threw  a  keg 
of  butter  overboard  this  afternoon. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


45 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather  —  rain.  Wind  —  blowy.  Sea  — 
swelly.  Ship’s  Run — 

Remarks  : 

Ha!  ha!  Ham  sat  on  the  porcupine. — Poor 
Shem  was  stung  while  feeding  the  bees.  They 
ought  to  be  muzzled.— Have  decided  to  let 
those  kittens  live.  I  detest  a  family  quarrel. — 
We  moved  the  pigs’  sty  to  the  extreme  stern. — 
Passed  over  Damascus  at  4.32.  Mrs.  Ham  told 
us  all  about  her  visits  to  the  place  with  her 
parents. — It  was  a  fine  old  town.  That  reminds 
me — a  fellow  there  owed  me  seven  and  a  half 
camels. 


46 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY.  Course- — straight  ahead. 

Weather — foggy.  Sea — foggy.  Ship’s  Run 
—foggy. 

Remarks  : 

Rain  and  fog.  There  ought  to  be  a  law  com¬ 
pelling  shipowners  to  muffle  their  fog-horns. 
Mine  kept  me  awake  all  last  night. — The 
dinosaur  eats  a  ton  of  hay  at  a  meal.  If  that 
keeps  up  we’ll  have  to  put  into  some  port  for 
more  provisions. — Mrs.  Noah  visited  the  bowels 
of  the  ship  today.  She  came  up  crying.  She 
said  the  hyenas  laughed  at  her.  They  are 
braver  than  Mr.  Noah. — Mrs.  Shem  is  teaching 
the  goats  to  eat  the  soup  tins.  That  will  save  a 
little  hay.  Ah!  that  woman  is  fine  and  eco¬ 
nomical. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


47 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind  —  less.  Sea  —  less. 
Ship’s  Run — i. 

Remarks  : 

Barometer  going  up.  My  rheumatism  is 
much  better.  The  clouds  seem  to  be  breaking. 
I  believe  it  will  clear.  I’m  so  used  to  this  rain 
I  almost  hate  to  see  it  stop. — One  night  more 
and  we’ll  be  able  to  sit  on  deck. — I  had  every¬ 
body  guessing  at  the  supper  table.  I  asked 
them  where  Moses  is  going  to  be  when  the  light 
goes  out.  The  officers  and  their  wives  are  trying 
to  guess.— I  made  a  muffler  for  the  fog-horn 
today.  Now,  let  it  fog. — Took  my  bath. 


48 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY.  Course  —  straight  ahead. 

Weather — rain.  Wind — dying.  Sea — calm. 
Ship’s  Run — 3. 

Remarks  : 

Fortieth  day  out.  Rain  almost  over. — 
Services  this  a.m.  Ham  went  to  sleep  during 
the  sermon. — This  afternoon  I  sat  around  talk¬ 
ing  to  the  girls.  They  love  to  hear  me  tell  how 
I  captured  the  animals.  Today  I  told  them 
about  lassoing  the  Wild  West  buffaloes. — Had 
to  get  the  trunks  out  of  the  hold.  Mrs.  Noah 
wanted  her  parasol. — Everybody  more  cheerful. 
— Had  the  harpactocaicinus  punctulatus  out  for 
an  airing.  Something  must  be  wrong  with 
them.  They  only  walked  sideways.  Looked 
them  up  in  the  encyclopedia  and  found  they 
were  nothing  but  common  crabs. — Nobody  has 
guessed  my  riddle. — Mrs.  Noah  quit  kicking 
about  her  corns.  Now,  I  know  it  will  stop 
raining. — Well,  the  old  Dreadnought  weathered 
the  rain  all  right. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


49 


MONDAY. 


Course — straight  ahead. 


Weather — fine.  Wind — stopped.  Sea — blue. 
Ship’s  Run — 5. 

Remarks: 

Punctually  at  one  second  after  eight  bells — 
midnight — the  rain  ceased. — The  day  dawned 
bright  and  clear. — Deck  was  covered  with  wash 
all  morning.  My,  but  the  sun  felt  good! — 
Curried  the  rust  off  the  two  donkey  engines. 
— The  ladies  began  using  their  kodaks  this  after¬ 
noon.  I  had  to  pose  for  my  picture. — After 
supper  we  all  promenaded  the  promenade  deck. 
It  was  clear  tonight  so  we  used  the  search¬ 
light.  Much  interesting  debris  about.  It  is 
dangerous  to  navigation. — Everything  smells 
so  nice  after  the  shower. — Shem  says  he  can’t 
quite  tell  where  we  are  by  the  stars,  but  he 
thinks  we  are  south  of  the  dipper. — Started 
painting  the  ship. — Nobody  has  guessed  my 
riddle. 


50 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY.  Course  — straight  ahead. 
Weather — clear.  Wind — balmy.  Sea — fine. 
Ship’s  Run — 5. 

Remarks  : 

The  ladies  spent  the  morning  ironing. — I 
rigged  up  the  deck  shuffle-board  and  practised. 
The  list  of  the  ship  makes  the  game  interesting. 
— I  find  my  umbrella  comes  in  handy  to  keep 
off  the  sun. — The  girls  are  now  afraid  they  will 
be  tanned. — Sat  in  steamer  chair  most  of  the 
afternoon.  Tonight,  Shem,  Ham,  Japheth, 
and  their  wives  are  sitting  on  deck  and  singing 
old  songs.  I  won’t  be  able  to  get  asleep.  I 
wonder  if  they  think  this  is  a  Cook’s  tour? — 
Had  to  tell  the  answer  to  my  joke.  I  thought 
Shem  would  die  laughing.  The  dear  boy  does 
enjoy  humour. — We  are  trying  to  see  who  can 
walk  around  the  deck  the  greatest  number  of 
times. — My  nose  is  beginning  to  peel. — My, 
this  weather  is  glorious ! 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


5i 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — clear.  Wind — same.  Sea — delight¬ 
ful.  Ship’s  Run — 5. 

Remarks  : 

Still  painting  ship.  Mrs.  Ham  caught  her 
dress  in  it.  Poor  Ham  got  an  awful  lecture. 
She  complained  to  the  captain,  but  I  beat  it  to 
the  bridge.  Some  women  are  so  funny. — The 
moon  came  up  tonight.  All  the  young  married 
people  are  out  on  deck  spooning.  It’s  a  peculiar 
thing  how  the  moon  and  steamers  affect  some 
people.  I  can  hear  Mrs.  Noah  snoring  now.  A 
few  hundred  years  ago  we  also  used  to  be  senti¬ 
mental. — Put  up  the  awnings  today. — Walked 
around  the  deck  24  times  after  supper. — Wish 
there  were  some  nice  old  school  teachers  aboard. 


52 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — clear.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

The  crew  continue  scrubbing  the  decks. 
They  did  it  in  the  rainy  weather,  and  now  it’s 
just  the  same.  This  ship  etiquette  is  a  nuisance. 
— I’m  up  in  the  air  about  my  two  tadpoles. 
I  don’t  know  what  has  become  of  them.  Found 
two  frogs  in  their  cage.  I  don’t  know  where 
they  came  from  either.  Perhaps  they  ate  my 
two  pollywogs.  Now  I  have  four  frogs  and  no 
tadpoles. — We  have  thrown  overboard  i ,  1 19, 1 1 1 
microbes  to  date.  I  only  need  two  of  each  kind. 
— I’m  getting  prouder  of  my  animals  every  day. 
I  have  the  finest  collection  in  captivity. — The 
back  of  my  neck  is  blistered. — Had  a  bad  scare 
today.  Saw  what  we  thought  was  a  periscope 
but  found  it  was  only  one  of  Mrs.  Noah’s  ear 
trumpets  which  had  fallen  overboard. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


53 


FRIDAY.  Course— straight  ahead.  Weather 
— clear.  Wind — same.  Sea — same.  Ship’s 
Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

We  tried  to  give  the  ichthyosaurus  quadris- 
cessus  an  airing.  She  made  the  ship  list  so 
badly  we  had  to  drive  her  back  to  the  steerage. 
— Guess  the  second  officer  fell  asleep  on  the 
bridge.  He  did  not  call  me  for  my  watch. — 
The  ladies  always  want  to  come  up  on  the  bridge 
when  I  am  there.  I  had  to  take  them  through 
the  Ark  today.  Mrs.  Ham  made  some  sarcas¬ 
tic  remarks.  She  said  she  had  frequently  crossed 
on  more  luxurious  vessels.  That  may  be,  but 
she  never  had  a  trip  like  this.  These  women 
are  a  perfect  nuisance,  but  a  captain  has  to  be 
polite. — Walked  around  deck  16  times. 


54 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — same.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 


Remarks  : 

Today  we  sprinkled  a  barrel  of  eau  de  cologne 
in  the  steerage  and  second  cabin. — Posed  again 
for  my  picture.  Mrs.  Shem  promises  to  send 
me  one  if  it  is  good. — Had  the  ladies  in  my 
cabin  for  tea.  They  asked  many  questions 
about  my  experiences  at  sea.  I  told  them  a  few 
old  yarns.  Gave  them  all  my  autograph. — 
If  those  potato-bugs  don’t  soon  lose  their 
appetites  we  will  run  out  of  spuds. — Walked 
around  deck  io  times. — Bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


55 


SUNDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — same.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

Services.  I  have  a  hard  time  getting  the  men 
to  church  this  clear  weather. — Put  on  my  Sun¬ 
day  clothes  today.  It’s  a  nuisance  to  dress  in 
these  little  staterooms.  Every  time  I  change 
my  robes  I  have  to  pull  the  trunk  from  under  the 
bunk,  and  then  the  things  I  want  are  usually 
in  the  trunks  in  the  hold. — These  women  ask 
me  so  many  foolish  questions.  I  have  to  explain 
the  machinery,  the  charts,  and  tell  them  how  I 
run  the  Ark.  They  pester  the  life  out  of  me 
with  “What  is  this?”  and  “What  is  that  for?” 
If  they  bother  me  tomorrow  I’m  going  to  hide. 
— Walked  around  the  deck  eight  times. — We 
have  prunes  every  Sunday  night  for  supper. 


56 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WASHDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 
Weather — same.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

Women  folks  down  below  washing.  I  was 
awfully  lonely  all  day. — Now  that  the  wireless 
is  out  of  commission  the  ladies  are  using  the 
wires  for  a  clothes  line. — Ham  says  the  moles 
are  burrowing  in  the  coal. — The  goats  nearly  ate 
the  fish-worms’  pan. — The  two  mules  with  the 
tiger’s  skin  are  overeating. — Still  painting  the 
Ark. — The  laundry  on  this  ship  is  miserable. 
My  collars  are  like  saws. — I’m  getting  corns  on 
my  hands  from  steering. — Walked  around  deck 
five  times. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


57 


TUESDAY.  Course — straight  ahead. 

Weather — same.  Wind — same.  Sea — same. 
Ship’s  Run — same. 

Remarks  : 

One  of  the  bulldogs  buried  his  bone  in  the 
coal.  He  wouldn’t  let  Ham  go  near  the  bunkers. 
If  I  hadn’t  gone  down  cellar  and  chased  him 
back  to  his  kennel  the  Ark  would  have  stopped. 
Ham  is  a  big  coward  to  be  afraid  of  a  little  bull¬ 
dog. — Was  shocked  this  afternoon.  Found  the 
women  folks  in  the  smoke  room  holding  a  suf¬ 
frage  powwow.  These  women  will  want  to  run 
everything  some  day.  I  can  remember  the 
time  when  they  knew  where  they  belonged.  I 
haven’t  any  use  for  these  modern  notions. 

I’m  tired  writing  all  this  dope  about  the 
course,  weather,  etc.  I’m  going  to  quit  it  even 
if  I  lose  my  job.  Besides,  I’m  running  out  of 
stone  and  my  chisels  are  getting  dull. 


58 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY.  Course — I  forgot,  I’m  not 
going  to  write  that  any  more. 

Remarks  : 

Spent  the  morning  writing  letters. — Shem 
called  my  attention  to  the  fact  that  I  call  the 
right  hand  side  of  the  Ark  the  right  side,  and  the 
left  hand  side  the  left  side.  He  says  I  should 
say  “port”  for  the  port  side,  and  “starboard” 
for  the  starboard  side — or  something  like  that. 
He  seems  to  forget  this  is  my  first  flood  and  I’m 
liable  to  make  a  few  mistakes. — Ham  dressed 
up  the  girl  monkey,  and  took  out  the  hand- 
organ.  He  thought  I  would  give  him  some 
shekels,  but  he  was  mistaken. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


59 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Wish  the  hen  would  lay  more  than  one  egg  a 
day.  We  take  turns  eating  it  for  breakfast. 
Eight  days  is  a  long  time  to  wait.  I’m  going  to 
suggest  omelets. — Shem  propounded  a  good 
one  tonight.  He  asked  why  a  hen  crosses  the 
boulevard.  I  laughed  so  hard  it  hurt. — Mrs. 
Shem  took  my  picture  again  today. — Four  of 
the  seven  kittens  each  found  seven  more  kittens. 
— Moved  the  bookworms  from  the  hold  to 
Mrs.  Noah’s  cook  book.  They  ought  to  find 
something  they  like  in  it. — The  ravens  make  a 
lot  of  noise  at  night.  I  would  choke  them,  only 
I  need  one  later. — Mrs.  Noah  brings  Yorick 
into  the  dining-room  at  meal  time.  I  never  did 
like  to  see  people  feed  pets  at  the  table.— One 
of  the  fleas  is  lost. 


6o 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

We  had  our  dance  tonight.  It  was  a  glorious 
success.  I’m  all  out  of  breath,  and  dead  tired 
now.  I  danced  through  my  birthday  dancing 
sandals.  We  decorated  the  deck  with  flags  and 
Japanese  lanterns,  and  sprinkled  candle  grease 
on  the  dance  floor  to  make  it  glide.  Shem  and 
Mrs.  Japheth  were  the  orchestra.  I  had  eleven 
dances  with  Mrs.  Shem,  and  only  stepped  on  her 
feet  twice  and  her  dress  once.  Ham  is  a  rough 
dancer.  He  bumped  my  partner. — Mrs.  Noah 
wore  a  new  gown.  I  did  not  think  it  was  becom¬ 
ing  because  it  was  cut  too  decollete.  I  don’t  see 
why  these  old  women  like  to  look  so  young. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Japheth  did  one  of  those  new 
dances.  I  forget  what  they  call  it — something 
about  a  turkey.  Rather  unedifying  I  thought. 
If  there  had  been  any  ministers  around,  I  bet 
they  would  have  passed  resolutions.  —  We 
danced  the  minuet'  seventy  times,  and  the  Sir 
Roger  de  Coverley  twenty.  I  was  mixed  up 
once  in  awhile  because  I  hadn’t  danced  some 
of  those  dances  for  over  300  years. — We  didn’t 
have  any  Egyptian  dances. 


“  We  had  our 
dance  to-night  ” 


61 


62 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks: 

Had  our  only  real  catastrophe  today.  I’m 
broken  hearted.  I’m  weeping  now.  I  took  the 
two  unicorns  out  on  deck  for  exercise.  They 
insisted  on  climbing  along  the  gunwale.  They 
liked  nothing  better.  I  was  afraid  they  would 
fall  overboard.  They  did.  It  took  Ham  a  long 
time  to  stop  the  Ark.  He  forgot  which  levers 
to  pull.  When  we  got  back  to  the  place  where 
the  unicorns  fell  overboard  there  was  nothing 
to  be  seen  but  bubbles.  The  poor  dears  couldn’t 
swim.  It  was  the  saddest  moment  in  my  life. 
Shem  says  it  may  all  be  for  the  best  because 
they  were  only  good  for  designs  on  escutcheons 
and  coats  of  arms.  I  take  great  comfort  in  his 
words,  but  I  am  afraid  people  will  always  say 
that  unicorns  were  a  myth.  All  the  flags  are  at 
half-mast. — Something  is  making  me  scratch. 
I  notice  some  red  spots  on  my  person. — Took 
my  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


63 


SUNDAY.  Wireless  Report — Shem  says 
there’s  no  fun  using  the  wireless  unless  you  can 
talk  to  somebody. 

Remarks  : 

Services  this  morning.  I  am  tired  of  preach¬ 
ing.  Wish  there  had  been  some  good  ministers. 
— The  candles  are  giving  out.  Was  struck  with 
a  bright  idea.  Took  the  two  lightning  bugs 
and  put  them  in  a  wine  bottle.  Hung  it  from 
the  chandelier.  Great  success. — House-cleaned 
the  aquarium  this  afternoon.  I  can’t  see 
why  the  white  fish  don’t  get  along  with  the 
smoked  herring. — Mrs.  Noah  located  that  flea. 


64 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

We  played  charades  tonight.  Ham  and  his 
wife  came  as  Adam  and  Eve.  We  guessed  them 
in  a  minute.  Japheth  put  on  a  suit  of  my  robes, 
and  came  as  me.  I  guessed  him  by  the  beard. 
Mrs.  Noah  was  an  Egyptian  princess,  who  fell 
in  love  with  some  foreigners.  I  forget  her 
name.  Mrs.  Japheth  appeared  as  a  Chaldean 
suffragette.  We  gave  her  up  until  she  smashed 
a  few  portholes. 

I  came  disguised  with  a  lantern.  Walked 
around  the  deck  looking  for  someone.  They 
couldn’t  guess  me.  Then  I  went  up  to  a  looking- 
glass  and  shook  hands  with  myself.  They 
couldn’t  even  guess  me  after  that.  Afterwards, 
Ham  said  he  thought  I  was  Diogenes  but  I  threw 
him  off  the  scent  when  I  shook  hands  with 
myself. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


65 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Mrs.  Ham  wants  me  to  give  her  the  feathers 
of  the  birds  of  paradise  if  they  die. — Ham 
played  a  mean  trick  on  me  today.  While  I 
was  on  the  bridge  he  ran  up  and  said  somebody 
wanted  me  on  the  telephone.  I  was  half-way 
down  the  ladder  before  I  tumbled. — Mrs. 
Shem  made  candy  this  afternoon.  She  gave 
me  a  whole  pan  to  myself.  I  do  like  that  woman. 
— Mrs.  Noah  wishes  there  were  some  other 
women  on  the  Ark  to  talk  about. — Gave  the 
apple  worms  a  fresh  apple. — Caught  Ham 
fishing  in  the  gold-fish  bowl. 


66 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Spent  the  morning  tacking  a  screen  around 
the  two  spider-webs  to  keep  the  flies  from  bother¬ 
ing  the  poor  bugs. — Fed  the  moths  the  last 
piece  of  brussels  carpet  today. — Those  two 
sphinxes  haven’t  eaten  a  single  thing  on  the 
voyage.  I’ve  read  somewhere  they  only  eat 
mummies. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


*>7 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Nothing  happened  today. 


68 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

We’re  almost  over  the  equator.  Quite  warm. 
Wish  we  had  brought  some  electric  fans. — 
That  moose  of  mine  has  a  dandy  pair  of  antlers. 
I’d  like  to  have  them  for  a  hat-rack. — Yorick 
scratched  up  the  flower  box.  Mrs.  Noah  never 
said  a  word.  If  one  of  my  animals  had  done 
that,  I  never  would  have  heard  the  end  of  it. — 
It  beats  me  where  all  these  kittens  are  coming 
from.  Put  the  canaries  in  the  safe. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


69 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Made  inventory  of  cargo.  All  present.  It’s 
a  grand  sight  to  see  them  all  lined  up.  It’s  a 
wonder  I  can  remember  all  their  names.  I  do 
get  mixed  on  the  Latin  pronunciation  occasion¬ 
ally,  but  the  family  never  notice  it.  Anyway, 
I  can’t  see  the  use  of  giving  a  fly  such  a  high- 
faluting  name  as  “musca  domestica.” — The 
women  folks  make  a  lot  of  fuss  over  the  pea¬ 
cocks.  They’re  too  fancy  for  me.  I  like  some¬ 
thing  plain  like  a  hippopotamus. — It  might  be 
a  good  plan  to  catalogue  these  animals  while  I 
have  them  all  together.  But  I’m  not  a  zoolo¬ 
gist.  I'ma  shipbuilder  and  navigator. — My  day 
to  eat  the  egg. — Slipped  Mrs.  Noah’s  muff  into 
the  moths’  den.  It  ought  to  make  good  pasture 
for  them. — Took  my  bath. 


70 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY.  Wireless  Report  —  Do  your 
Christmas  shopping  early. 

Remarks  : 

Services.— We’re  over  India.  It’s  a  shame  we 
are  so  close  to  these  interesting  places  and  can’t 
see  them. — Shem  says  we  are  nearer  the  horizon 
today  than  any  time  on  the  cruise. — Ham  can’t 
see  any  use  in  hanging  up  the  red  and  green 
lights  at  night.  As  long  as  I’m  captain  I’m 
going  to  run  the  Ark  according  to  the  rules. 
Who  ever  heard  of  an  Ark  at  sea  without  lights? 
— No  ice-cream  for  dinner  today.  The  freezer 
is  broken. — Mrs.  Noah  found  her  muff.  She 
was  furious. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


7i 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Can’t  understand  two  little  birds  among  my 
specimens.  They  roost  in  the  top  of  the  clock. 
Every  once  in  awhile  they  come  out  and 
holler  “coo-coo.”  I  have  tried  everything  to 
make  them  eat.  They  don’t  like  bird-seed. 
Now,  I’m  tempting  them  with  worms. — Took 
Mrs.  Noah’s  boa  to  the  moths’  den.  I  was 
caught.  She  won’t  talk  to  me  now.  That 
woman  is  heartless.  She  wouldn’t  care  if  the 
dear  animals  starved  to  death.  I’ll  have  to  feed 
them  blotting  paper. — Repaired  the  freezer. 


72 


•  THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

We  can’t  keep  the  fox  terrier  away  from  the 
talking  machine. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


73 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Had  all  the  creeping  things  out  for  exercise. 
The  deck  was  quite  alive.  I  have  made  pets 
of  all  the  animals  on  the  Ark  with  the  exception 
of  some  of  these.  Take  the  St.  Vitus  dance 
microbes  for  instance — they  are  entirely  too 
unsympathetic  for  me.  I  don’t  care  much  for 
the  snakes  either.  They  are  the  things  that 
got  my  great-great-great-great -grandmother 
into  trouble.  One  of  the  grasshoppers  tried  to 
jump  overboard. — Japh,  Ham  and  their  wives 
sit  too  late  in  the  smoke  room.  Those  children 
ought  to  go  to  bed  early. — Mrs.  Shem  says  the 
Noah  family  eats  so  much  the  pigs  are  getting 
thin. — Seven  more  kittens  today. 


74 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

One  of  the  megatheriums  presented  her  hus¬ 
band  with  a  little,  seventy-five  foot  daughter. 
We’re  too  crowded  as  it  is.  Shem  and  I  fed 
her  a  couple  of  barrels  of  chloroform,  and  then 
threw  it  overboard.  It  will  make  a  fine  fossil  for 
some  museum. — Mrs.  Noah  gave  a  progressive 
bridge  tonight.  I  had  to  go.  I  don’t  see  why 
one  can’t  sit  at  the  same  table  all  evening.  Still, 
the  moving  keeps  me  awake.  Mrs.  Shem  won  a 
stamp  album,  and  Ham  got  a  chafing-dish. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


75 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Posed  again  for  my  picture. — Yorick  has 
eaten  all  the  Spratt’s  biscuits. — Dropped  one  of 
the  clay  pigeons,  but  did  not  break  him. — 
Spent  morning  whitewashing  the  chicken  coop. 
— Fourteen  more  kittens  today. — Passed 
several  floating  Verboten  signs.  We  must  be 
over  Germany.  Mrs.  Ham  had  to  tell  us  all 
about  her  travels  in  that  country. — There’s  a 
little  hundred-footer  in  the  thousand-legger 
bunk. 


76  THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 

SATURDAY. 


Remarks: 

Mrs.  Japheth  made  a  faux  pas  this  morning. 
She  shouted,  “Ship  ahoy.”  We  all  ran  to  the 
railing  and  looked.  She  insisted  she  saw  smoke 
beyond  the  horizon.  If  there’s  anything  to  be 
seen  the  man  on  the  lookout  ought  to  see  it  first. 
— I  spend  a  good  deal  of  time  on  the  bridge 
these  days.  We  are  in  the  path  of  the  liners  and 
I  don’t  want  a  collision.  But  I  guess  we  won’t 
sink.  We  have  twelve  rats  aboard. — Bath. 


77 


Feeding  time  in  the  steerage 


78 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

One  of  the  bats  broke  up  church.  The  women 
crawled  under  the  pews  when  we  began  the 
chase.  Ham  smashed  a  mirror.  He’ll  have 
seven  years’  bad  luck.  I  finally  hit  the  bird  with 
a  tennis  racket,  and  chased  him  back  to  his 
cage.  I  don’t  know,  but  I  believe  Ham  let  him 
out.  I  had  a  good  sermon  for  today,  too.  I 
was  going  to  tell  the  congregation  about  the 
sins  of  the  world.  .They’ll  get  that  sermon  yet. 
— The  cook  says  we  are  running  out  of  provi¬ 
sions.  Our  water  supply  is  still  good. — My  day 
for  the  egg. — We’re  crossing  the  fiEgean  Sea. 
Mrs.  Ham  had  to  tell  us  about  her  last  voyage. 
—Going  to  have  a  mock  trial  tomorrow. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


79 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Had  the  mock  trial  tonight.  I  was  arrested 
on  the  charge  of  cruelty  to  animals.  Mrs. 
Noah  swore  out  the  warrant.  Japheth  was  the 
cop,  and  Ham  the  prosecuting  attorney.  Mrs. 
Noah  was  the  first  witness.  She  told  the  court 
I  made  the  bats  sleep  upside  down,  that  I 
wouldn’t  let  the  mock  turtles  mock,  and  that  I 
put  sawdust  in  the  bran  I  fed  the  megatherium 
cubieri.  Mrs.  Ham  then  took  the  stand  and 
declared  I  never  opened  the  sardine  cans  before 
I  fed  them  to  the  whales,  that  I  threw  my  sandle- 
jack  at  the  cats,  and  knocked  the  stuffin’  out 
of  the  teddybears.  Mrs.  Japheth  testified  I 
put  the  chameleon  on  the  crazy-quilt,  and  that 
I  never  cleaned  the  leopards.  Of  course,  I 
didn’t  do  any  of  these  things,  but  I  do  wish  I  had 
taken  a  punch  at  Yorick. 

Mrs.  Shem  was  my  witness.  She  said  I  had 
been  a  member  of  the  S.  P.  C.  A.  from  infancy, 
that  I  was  a  couple  of  pillars  of  the  temple,  that 
I  had  done  my  best  to  make  the  bats  roost  like 
a  regular  chicken,  and  that  she  had  frequently 
seen  me  trying  to  clean  the  spots  off  the  leopards 
with  benzine.  Shem  was  my  lawyer.  He  de¬ 
clared  the  accusations  were  pure  blackmail,  and 
that  I  was  too  young  to  be  so  cruel.  The  first 
witness,  he  said,  showed  her  incompetence  by 


8o 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


pronouncing  “megatherium  cubieri,”  “megathe¬ 
rium  cubieri”  and  not  “megatherium  cubieri.” 
The  other  witnesses  were  all  in  the  pay  of  the 
animal  trust,  according  to  my  attorney,  and  as 
far  as  the  chameleon  charge  was  concerned  he 
produced  evidence  to  show  the  bugs  like  nothing 
better  than  a  crazy-quilt  to  display  their  talents. 
In  ending  his  speech,  Shem  said  I  was  the 
greatest  animal  keeper  who  ever  lived,  and  that 
it  would  be  a  blot  on  ancient  history  should  I  be 
convicted.  I  was  unanimously  acquitted  by 
the  jury. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


81 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Spent  morning  in  the  monkey  fo’csle.  I’d 
hate  to  think  I  was  a  descendant  of  theirs.  I 
once  asked  grandpa  about  that  story.  He  said 
he  had  talked  it  over  with  his  grandmother. 
She  told  him  grandpa  Adam  often  declared  the 
fabrication  to  be  a  deliberate  lie. — I  don’t  know 
what  to  do  with  the  Ark  after  we  land.  Perhaps 
I  can  sell  it  to  some  curiosity  or  second-hand 
dealer. — The  crane  stood  on  his  other  leg  to¬ 
day. — I  felt  sorry  for  the  bugs  in  the  hold,  so  I 
put  an  ark  light  down  there. 


82 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Christmas  must  be  coming.  Mrs.  Noah  has 
stopped  complaining.  She  says  I  am  looking  so 
young.  Mrs.  Ham  warmed  my  slippers  to¬ 
night.  Ham  is  really  working.— A  litter  of  pigs 
came  aboard.  Pigs  is  pigs.  Anyway,  they  are 
more  practical  than  kittens.  It’s  against  my 
principles  to  eat  pork,  so  we  are  going  to  make 
them  into  sausage. — Ham  hopes  the  oysters 
have  little  ones.  He  says  he  would  enjoy  a  good 
oyster-stew. — Put  on  my  diver’s  suit  this  after¬ 
noon,  and  went  overboard  to  see  if  my  two 
barnacles  were  still  on  the  keel.  They  were. 


“  Went  over¬ 
board  to  see 
if  my  two 
barnacles 
were  still  on 
the  keel  ” 


83 


84 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  night  before  Christmas.  Everybody 
hung  their  stockings  before  the  fireplace.  Ham 
wanted  me  to  play  Santa,  and  climb  down  the 
funnel.  I  knew  if  I  did  he  would  pile  on  more 
coal.  The  family  couldn’t  do  enough  for  me  to¬ 
night. — I  finally  decided  to  play  Santa  Claus. 
Dressed  up  like  a  real  toy-store  Kriss  Kringle. 
We  had  a  jolly  good  time  in  the  cabin.  Deco¬ 
rated  the  tree,  and  hung  some  mistletoe  from 
the  chandelier.  I  caught  Mrs.  Shem  several 
times.  Mrs.  Noah  had  to  get  jealous,  and  sat 
under  it. 

I  don’t  think  they  would  have  known  who 
I  was  if  my  beard  had  not  caught  fire.  Every¬ 
body  lost  their  heads.  The  girls  fainted.  The 
boys  ran  for  the  fire  buckets.  I  finally  got  a 
fire-extinguisher  going,  but  the  thing  was  so  old- 
fashioned  several  inches  of  whiskers  were  burned 
before  I  put  out  the  flames. 


“  Several  inches  of 
whiskers  were  burned  99 


85 


86 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Christmas — peace  on  earth,  good  will  to  men. 
Up  early  to  see  what  was  in  my  stocking.  We 
had  a  family  gathering  in  the  saloon  this  morn¬ 
ing.  Received  the  most  original  presents.  Mrs. 
Ham  gave  me  some  cigars  (haven’t  smoked  any 
yet)  and  a  pink  lounging  jacket.  The  family 
gave  me:  handkerchiefs,  a  stick  pin,  Christmas 
cards,  another  red  tie,  slippers,  a  knitted  shirt, 
and  a  pair  of  skates.  Ham  gave  me  subscrip¬ 
tions  to  several  magazines.  I  gave  Mrs.  Noah 
a  handsome  pair  of  anklets,  and  a  cut-glass 
salad  bowl.  Gave  Japheth  his  first  razor.  He’s 
only  8 2  and  hasn’t  much  of  a  beard.  I  gave  the 
ladies  the  regular  Christmas  presents. 

When  I  was  a  child  I  enjoyed  Christmas  more 
than  I  do  now.  It’s  too  expensive  for  a  man 
with  a  family  as  large  as  mine.  People  do  give 
such  inappropriate  presents.  I  never  looked 
well  in  a  red  necktie. — Had  a  real  plum-pudding 
for  dinner,  but  I  think  the  plums  were  prunes. — 
Oh!  yes,  I  did  not  get  my  egg  today.  They 
made  eggnog  out  of  it.- — We  opened  a  barrel  of 
candy. — I’m  glad  the  day  is  over. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


87 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Lit  a  Christmas  cigar.  I  never  heard  one 
spatter  as  much  when  it  hit  the  water.  The 
slippers  pinch  my  feet. — Yorick  walked  in  my 
way  today.  I  gave  him  a  kick.  Mrs.  Noah 
saw  me.  She  jawed  me  and  said  I  had  to  stop 
kicking  her  pet  around. — Mrs.  Ham  complained 
to  the  captain  that  Mrs.  Shem  and  Mrs.  Ja- 
pheth  keep  taking  her  steamer  chair.  I  told  her 
she  would  have  to  see  the  deck  steward  about 
it. — I  wish  Ham  would  work  more  and  draw 
less. — Took  my  bath. 


88 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

I  would  like  to  see  a  newspaper. — Those 
two  Texas  steers  are  mighty  interesting.  Just 
to  think  what  a  big  trust  their  descendants  will 
figure  in. — The  poor  guineapigs  caught  their 
tails  in  the  machinery  today.  Now,  they  will 
have  to  go  through  the  generations  tailless.— 
Tried  to  smoke  another  Christmas  cigar  while 
promenading  the  deck  with  Mrs.  Noah.  How 
we  men  do  suffer  for  our  wives’  sake.  Acci¬ 
dentally  dropped  it  overboard. — We’re  sailing 
up  the  Jordan  River.  Of  course,  Mrs.  Ham 
told  us  all  about  her  last  trip.  That  woman  has 
travelled  a  bit,  and  continually  says,  “When  I 
was  here  the  last  time,”  or  “When  I  was  here 
before.”  It  is  vulgar  to  talk  like  that.  These 
old  travellers  are  pests. — Hurrah!  the  prunes 
are  all  gone. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


89 


WASHDAY. 

Remarks: 

Brought  one  of  the  Balaam  trick  donkeys  on 
deck.  Ham  had  a  terrible  tumble.  They 
wanted  me  to  ride  him,  but  I  thought  it  would 
be  undignified. — Band  concert  tonight.  I  was 
the  audience.  The  music  caused  such  a  dis¬ 
turbance  down  in  the  hold  that  the  band  had  to 
quit.  I  never  was  so  grateful  to  those  animals 
before. — We’re  going  about  ^  of  a  knot  an 
hour.  I  wonder  if  an  ark  ever  will  be  built  to 
go  as  fast  as  one  knot. — There’s  another  little 
rattle  in  the  rattlers’  box. — Ham  took  our 
pictures  today. 


90 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks: 

Stopped  all  last  night  on  account  of  a  fog. 
I’m  not  taking  any  chances  with  the  Ark. — 
Gave  the  elephants  an  extra  peanut  today. 
Japheth  raised  Cain  with  me.  He’s  a  regular 
Scotchman. — This  afternoon  we  took  Jumbo 
out,  and  gave  the  ladies  a  ride.  It  looked  like  a 
circus  parade.  Wish  I  had  a  motion  picture  of 
it. — We  also  had  the  races  on  deck.  The  boys 
ran  a  marathon.  I  lost  interest — too  long. 
Afterwards  I  won  the  potato  race. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


9i 


THURSDAY.  December  31,  B.c.  2349. 
Remarks  : 

It’s  tomorrow  now.  We  all  sat  around 
watching  the  old  year  out,  and  the  new  year  in. 
At  eight  bells — midnight — the  Ark  whistles 
began  to  blow.  The  family  jumped  up  on  the 
tables,  waved  flags  and  blew  horns.  Shem 
opened  a  bottle  of  wine. — This  is  pretty  late 
for  me  to  be  up,  but  I  like  a  party  once  in 
awhile.  I  haven’t  had  one  since  the  Ark  was 
christened. 


92 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY.  January  i,  B.c.  2348. 

Remarks  : 

Wished  everybody  a  happy  yom  kippur. — 
Am  going  to  turn  over  some  new  leaves  today. 
Resolved  to  stop  allowing  Mrs.  Noah  to  run  the 
Ark,  to  abandon  wine,  and  swear  off  swearing. 
I  am  also  going  to  keep  a  diary. — We  had  some 
fine  stewed  rabbit  for  supper. — Received  a  few 
New  Year  cards. — I  am  glad  I  have  resolved  to 
abstain  from  wine.  In  this  antiquity  there  is 
little  comfort  in  becoming  inebriated.  And, 
then,  I  don’t  like  that  feeling  I  have  in  my  head 
the  morning  after.  It  would  be  a  blessing  to 
humanity  if  someone  would  invent  a  remedy 
for  that  pain.  I  use  a  towel  and  ice  water.  Yes, 
I’m  going  to  stop,  and  set  a  good  example  to 
my  offspring. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


93 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  iguanodon  bernissartensis  laid  an  egg. 
We  thought  the  Ark  had  run  aground  when  she 
cackled.  The  crew  and  I  rolled  it  on  the  scales, 
but  it  was  too  heavy  to  weigh.  Ham  wanted 
his  mother  to  make  an  omelet.  I  decided, 
however,  to  throw  it  overboard  for  fear  the 
thing  might  hatch.  It  made  a  fine  big  splash. — 
Passed  a  school  of  drowned  fish. — Cut  myself 
this  morning  while  shaving.  I’m  going  to  pur¬ 
chase  a  safety  razor  as  soon  as  I  get  into  port. — 
Passed  over  Paris.  Poor  girls. 


94 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Entertainment  tonight.  Pretty  dull  affair 
except  for  my  number  which  was  the  feature  of 
the  evening.  Brought  up  one  of  the  lions,  and 
made  him  go  through  all  his  stunts — jump 
through  rings,  growl  at  me,  etc.  Then  I  had 
the  seals.  They  are  very  slippery  for  trainers, 
but  I  made  them  juggle  a  flaming  torch  and 
balance  balls  on  their  noses.  Did  a  lot  of  other 
circus  tricks,  too.  Ended  my  performance  with 
a  grand  display  of  the  elephant.  Let  him  carry 
me  about,  walk  over  me,  and  stand  on  a  wash- 
tub  and  beg.  I  do  love  to  crack  that  whip. — 
Mrs.  Ham  gave  a  lyre  solo.  She  struck  several 
false  notes. — Mrs.  Japheth  sang  “Auld  Lang 
Syne.” — Ham  did  a  hornpipe. — Shem  recited  a 
poem  which  he  dedicated  to  me.  It  was  so  full  of 
sentiment  I’m  going  to  learn  it  by  heart  even 
if  I’m  not  much  of  a  hand  at  poetry. — Mrs. 
Noah  took  up  a  collection  for  the  wives  of  the 
seamen. — I  don’t  like  these  ship  entertainments. 
I’d  rather  see  a  musical  comedy  with  a  good- 
looking  choir  any  day. 


“  My  number  was  the 
feature  of  the  evening  ” 


95 


96  THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 

WEDNESDAY. 


Remarks  : 

Today  Mrs.  Ham  told  us  about  a  steamer 
where  they  had  a  daily  newspaper.  I  decided 
to  publish  one.  Made  Shem  the  editor-in- 
chief,  Japheth  the  printer,  Mrs.  Ham  the  so¬ 
ciety  editor,  and  Ham  the  cartoonist.  First 
copy  is  to  come  from  press  tomorrow. — We 
have  another  camel  and  a  wee  ichthyosaurus 
burgundii. — One  of  the  crickets  has  a  sore  chirp. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


97 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks: 

First  edition  of  our  paper  came  out  today. 
We  call  it  the  Diluvian  Times.  Price  shekel. 
Sold  seven  copies.  Ham  had  a  cartoon  in  it  of 
Shem.  It  was  the  funniest  thing  I  ever  saw. 
—Played  solitare  tonight  to  kill  time.— The 
mock  turtles  have  a  baby  mock  turtle. — Am 
glad  our  paper  is  such  a  success. 


98 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  Diluvian  Times  was  again  for  sale  at  the 
news-stand.  Ham’s  cartoon  of  Mrs.  Noah  made 
me  roar.  That  boy  certainly  is  clever  with  his 
chisel.  Mrs.  Noah  was  greatly  offended.  I 
don’t  see  why. — Twins  arrived  at  the  oyster 
headquarters. — Twelve  more  kittens  today. — 
The  German  eagle  and  the  British  lion  are 
always  growling  at  each  other. — Tonight  I  sat 
around  reading  the  paper. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


99 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Ham’s  cartoon  of  Japheth  was  capital  in 
today’s  Diluvian  Times.  I  laugh  every  time 
I  think  of  it. — The  flies  are  becoming  a  nuisance. 
They  have  occupied  all  the  fly-paper.  I  love 
my  two  pet  flies,  but  I  don’t  like  their  de¬ 
scendants. — Another  rhino  today.  I  boxed  up 
the  storks. 


IOO 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

There  wasn’t  a  yesterday.  We  reached  the 
spot  in  the  ocean  where  we  captains  have  to 
forget  a  day.  I  don’t  know  where  the  24  hours 
go.  If  I  were  a  younger  man  I  would  organize 
an  expedition  to  come  out  here  and  try  to  find 
them.  Pushed  all  the  sun-dials  a  whole  day 
ahead. — There’s  a  cartoon  of  me  in  today’s 
Diluvian  Times.  That  impertinent  Ham  did  it. 
I  didn’t  see  anything  funny  in  it.  Some  people 
always  spoil  everything. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


IOI 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

No  Diluvian  Times  today.  I  prohibited  the 
publication. — Spent  the  morning  explaining 
the  i,  2,  3,  4,  5,  6,  7,  and  8  bells  to  Mrs.  Noah 
and  my  daughters-in-law.  They  were  very 
thick-headed. — Mrs.  Noah  broke  her  curling 
iron  today.  I  made  her  another  out  of  a  piece 
of  pipe. — The  premium  on  my  life  insurance 
came  due  today.  It  was  the  first  time  in  479 
years  I’ve  let  it  lapse. — We  have  a  little  Yorick. 
Mrs.  Noah  makes  a  lot  of  fuss  over  the  puppy. 


102 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Roof  began  to  crack. — We  let  the  microbes 
play  in  the  smoke  room  this  morning.  Had 
quite  a  time  getting  them  back  in  their  respec¬ 
tive  cages.— That  boy  Shem  is  clever.  He  is  a 
great  comfort  to  me.  He  is  fond  of  astronomy. 
It  may  come  in  handy  after  the  fortieth.  He’s 
fond  of  animals,  too.  He  taught  the  rabbits  to 
sit  up  on  their  hind  legs. — One  of  the  lap  dogs 
has  the  colic. 


103 


The  Engine  Room 


104 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  elephant  walked  on  my  corn.  By  Jove, 
it  did  hurt.  I  wouldn’t  have  minded  it  if  he  had 
stepped  on  my  other  foot,  but — oh! — that  corn. 
— The  alligators  were  homesick  today.  Ham 
painted  some  swamp  scenery  for  them.  That  is 
about  the  first  useful  thing  he  has  done  on  the 
whole  trip. — My  back  tooth  still  hurts  and 
we’re  a  long  way  from  a  good  dentist.  Tried  the 
hot-water  bag,  seven  poultices,  and  Mrs.  Ham’s 
faith  cure.  Still  it  throbs. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


105 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks: 

Made  up  my  mind  I  would  get  rid  of  that 
tooth.  Thought  of  a  fine  home-made-dentist 
plan  to  pull  it.  Tied  one  end  of  a  string  to  the 
tooth  and  the  other  to  the  handle  of  my  state¬ 
room  door.  I  wanted  somebody  to  open  the 
door,  and  then  the  tooth  would  fly  out.  Sat 
there  all  day,  but  no  one  came  in.  Tonight  I 
opened  the  door  and  found  some  practical  joker 
had  tacked  up  a  “no  admittance”  sign.  I’ll 
bet  it  was  Ham. 


io6 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Pulled  that  tooth  today  sailor  fashion.  Tied 
the  other  end  of  the  string  to  the  anchor,  and 
hung  on  to  the  mast  while  Shem  threw  it  over¬ 
board.  Thought  it  would  pull  the  mast  up  by 
the  roots.  I  don’t  care,  I  have  fifteen  teeth  left, 
but  it  just  dawned  on  me — I  lost  that  anchor. 


to 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


107 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

1  ooth  day  of  voyage. — Services.  I  preached 
about  the  dangers  young  people  encounter  in 
large  cities.  Hope  the  congregation  remember 
my  warnings. — Tonight  I  overheard  the  officers 
talking.  Ham  said  there  was  not  much  fun 
working  for  the  governor  as  I  didn’t  pay  him 
anything.  He  wanted  to  know  how  he  could 
bring  up  a  family  on  those  wages.  Shem  took 
my  part  and  said  I  might  leave  him  something 
in  my  will.  Japheth  reminded  Ham  his  ex¬ 
penses  were  next  to  nothing,  and  that  he  had 
plenty  to  eat.  He  thought  the  Noah  boys  ought 
to  make  a  fortune  after  we  land  because  labor 
will  be  so  cheap. 

Ham  said  he  was  going  in  for  politics,  and 
then  he  would  be  sure  of  his  fortune.  Japheth 
said  he  would  like  to  start  a  bank.  Shem 
declared  he  only  would  succeed  as  a  professor 
in  some  college. — My,  I  wish  one  of  my  sons 
would  be  a  lawyer  or  a  doctor.  It  gives  distinc¬ 
tion  to  the  family.  I’m  glad  I  haven’t  any 
daughters.  All  a  woman  thinks  about  is  getting 
married,  and  I’d  have  a  hard  time  finding  good 
husbands  for  them. 


108  THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 

MONDAY. 

Remarks: 

Mrs.  Shem  and  I  beat  Japheth  and  Mrs. 
Japheth  at  deck  shuffleboard.  Score  iooto97. 
Mrs.  Ham  and  Shem  challenged  us.  I  like  to 
play  that  game.  It’s  fun  pushing  those  stone 
checkers  along  the  deck. — The  boa  constrictor 
peeled  himself  today. — Mrs.  Ham  wants  the 
tiger  skins  to  make  rugs.  I  told  her  she  could 
have  them  if  the  animals  died,  but  I’m  not  going 
to  let  them  die. — Engineer  complains  the  crows 
are  all  the  time  in  the  engine  room.  He’s  afraid 
they  will  get  mixed  up  in  the  machinery. 
Hunted  around  the  Ark  and  found  some  old 
clothes  and  ordered  him  to  make  a  scarecrow. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


109 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Ham  is  positively  useless  as  an  engineer. 
During  the  second  watch  I  saw  a  snag  ahead. 
I  signalled  “  stop  ”  to  the  engineer.  Ham  came 
up  from  the  engine  room  and  wanted  to  know 
why.  We  hit  that  snag.  I’ll  never  let  him 
engineer  me  through  another  flood. — Exercised 
the  lobsters.  Something  must  be  wrong  with 
their  differential  gears.  They  only  walk  back¬ 
wards. — Hoisted  the  sails  to  help  the  coal. 


no 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Shem  and  Mrs.  Ham  beat  Mrs.  Shem  and  me 
at  shuffleboard  today.  Score  ioo  to  23.  They 
did  not  play  fair.  They  always  waited  till  the 
Ark  was  steady  before  they  shuffled.  Broke  my 
monocle  while  playing. — A  little  mammoth 
came  aboard.  Boxed  up  the  storks  again. — 
After  tea  the  ladies  patched  the  sails. — The 
male  missing-link  is  down  with  the  gout. 
Spent  evening  looking  at  the  family  album. 


“  Shem  and  Mrs .  Ham 
beat  Mrs.  Shem  and  me  ” 


hi 


1 12 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Today  all  the  dog  licenses  expired,  but  we’re 
not  liable  to  run  into  any  dog-catchers  out  here. 
— We  played  a  new  game  tonight.  Ham 
painted  a  donkey  without  a  tail  on  a  sheet.  We 
all  had  little  tails  made  out  of  cloth,  and  took 
turns  being  blindfolded,  and  trying  to  pin  them 
on  the  place  where  the  donkey’s  tail  commences. 
I  know  I  would  have  hit  the  spot  because  I  took 
a  good  look  before  they  tied  up  my  eyes,  but 
that  villain  Ham  started  me  off  in  the  opposite 
direction  to  the  painting. — Mrs.  Ham  says  she 
does  not  like  to  ride  on  a  ship  with  patched  sails. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


ii3 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Am  tired  of  these  continental  breakfasts,  and 
this  condensed  milk. — Wish  I  had  saved  the 
library.  I  have  read  everything  on  board  with 
the  exception  of  the  old  time-table,  and  I’ll 
finish  that  tomorrow. — Mrs.  Shem  gave  a  tea 
in  the  music  room  this  afternoon. — Have 
stopped  playing  shuffieboard.  Nobody  will  let 
me  beat  them  at  the  game. — The  two  crows 
like  to  roost  in  the  lookout’s  barrel.  The  crew 
now  call  the  place  the  crows’  nest.  Put  the 
scarecrow  up  there  to  keep  them  from  inter¬ 
fering  with  the  work  of  the  sailors. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


114 


SATURDAY  AND  SUNDAY. 

Remarks : 

We  are  spending  the  week-end  painting  the 
ship.  I  must  live  up  to  the  traditions  of  the 
sea. — Ham  reported  seeing  a  sea-serpent  during 
his  watch  last  night.  I  don't  know  about  the 
serpent  but  I  do  know  he  was  in  the  buffet  a 
long  time  before  he  went  on  the  bridge. — The 
company  that  sold  me  the  coal  cheated  me. 
Their  slate  won't  burn. — This  clear  weather  is 
awfully  monotonous. — We  officers  have  worn  a 
rut  in  the  bridge  where  we  walk. — One  of  the  big 
rabbits  with  a  long  tail  and  a  pouch  appeared 
on  deck  today  with  a  youngster. — Finished  the 
time-table  this  afternoon. — Took  my  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


ii5 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Held  a  lifeboat  drill  this  afternoon.  The 
crew  were  not  very  rapid.  It  took  1^  hours  to 
get  the  boat  in  the  water.  All  the  ropes  were 
tangled. — Had  a  talking  machine  concert  this 
evening.  Am  tired  of  the  records.  Wish  I 
could  get  some  new  ones. — Not  a  very  interest¬ 
ing  day.  Did  not  take  my  watch  this  A.M.  It 
was  cloudy,  and  the  sun-dial  alarm  never  went 
off. 


Ii6 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Another  lifeboat  drill  today.  Such  a  block¬ 
head  crew! — Still  painting  ship. — Tonight  I 
made  out  a  new  will.  I’m  leaving  the  Ark,  my 
insurance  and  bank  account  to  my  widow, 
provided  she  never  marries  again.  Shem  gets 
my  spy-glass,  the  charts,  and  this  log-book. 
I’m  giving  my  evening  robes,  the  engines,  and 
the  fish- worms  to  Ham.  Japheth  is  to  have  my 
razor,  top  hat,  and  other  personal  effects.  I 
willed  the  beautiful,  plush-covered  family  album, 
some  stock  in  the  Damascus-Bagdad  Oriental 
Rug  Weaving  Company,  and  my  mining  stock 
to  the  girls.  The  animals  and  the  earth  I  divide 
equally  among  the  family. 

I  gave  some  explicit  instructions  regarding 
my  funeral.  I  want  to  become  a  real  fine 
mummy,  bound  in  A  No.  i,  four  ply  tire  tape, 
and  tattooed  by  a  good  undertaker.  The  case 
is  to  be  waterproof.  I  make  a  special  request 
that  I  shall  never  be  exhibited  in  a  museum. 
But — I  don’t  want  to  be  a  mummy  for  a  few 
centuries. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


117 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Tomorrow  I’ll  be  a  rich  man.  We  are  going 
to  have  a  rabbit  and  turtle  race.  Bet  all  the 
officers  5  to  1  on  the  turtle.  I  saw  all  the  officers 
winking,  but  they  don’t  know  I  got  a  tip  from 
.Esop’s  animal  book.  It  may  be  wrong  to  bet 
on  a  sure  thing,  but  the  money  will  stay  in  the 
family  anyway. — Held  another  lifeboat  drill 
today.  The  boat  was  in  the  ocean  in  one  hour. 
That  was  a  big  improvement.  Everything  went 
all  right,  only  we  couldn’t  find  the  oars. 


1 1 8  THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 

THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Held  the  derby  today.  I’m  a  ruined  man. 
Threw  that  nature-faker’s  book  overboard.  He 
was  either  like  most  authors,  or  he  had  a  differ¬ 
ent  kind  of  a  turtle.  By  jove,  my  turtle  hadn’t 
reached  the  first  hurdle  before  the  rabbit  was 
under  the  wire. — Insisted  on  another  lifeboat 
drill.  I  don’t  know  what’s  the  matter  with  that 
crew  of  mine.  Two  hours  were  spent  in  getting 
the  boat  in  the  sea.  I’m  not  going  to  let  them 
practise  any  more. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


119 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  ice  machine  broke  today.  Engineer 
spent  the  whole  day  trying  to  repair  it.  I  tried 
also,  but  the  engine  was  like  a  Chinese  puzzle 
to  me. — The  poor  polar  bears  are  suffering. 
Ordered  the  women  folks  to  take  turns  fanning 
them. — I  am  greatly  worried. 


120 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks: 

Still  Ham  couldn’t  fix  that  machine.  Wish 
I  had  brought  a  good  engineer  along.  •  He  says  it 
works  perfectly  with  the  exception  of  making 
ice.  The  ladies  threaten  a  strike  on  the  fanning 
business.  The  water  in  the  seals’  tank  is  getting 
warm.  The  seals  and  sea-lions  are  shedding 
their  fur.  Have  decided  to  take  the  Ark  to  the 
polar  regions  until  the  engine  is  repaired.  Of 
course,  I  couldn’t  find  the  north  pole  chart. 
Shem’s  astronomy  came  in  to  good  advantage. 
He  suggested  heading  for  the  north  star.  I 
just  knew  his  education  would  come  in  handy 
some  day. — Tonight  we  are  sailing  northward 
and  I  wish  we  were  there.  This  worry  is  liable 
to  drive  me  to  an  asylum. — Postponed  my  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


121 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

No  time  for  services. — That  ice  machine  still 
stays  out  of  commission.  Ham  blames  me.  It 
seems  the  rule  book  was  thrown  overboard  the 
night  of  the  storm. — Shem  tried  to  fix  the 
machine  this  afternoon.  He  had  several  good 
repair  theories,  but  it  won’t  make  ice. — Mrs. 
Noah  complains  of  two  sore  wrists.  Mrs.  Ham 
declares  she  never  did  like  polar  bears.  I  think 
she  would  like  to  see  the  seals  die,  and  then  she 
would  ask  for  their  skins. — We  are  going  like 
the  wind.  Ordered  a  forced  draught  for  the 
engines. — Passed  lots  of  stars.  At  this  rate  we 
ought  to  get  to  the  pole  in  a  hurry. — Cooler. 


122 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY. 

Remarks: 

No  washing  today.  The  ladies  had  to  stay 
in  the  bear  pits. — Gave  the  seals  an  extra  fish  to 
keep  them  quiet. — Ham  nearly  drives  me  mad. 
He  has  taken  the  machine  apart  scores  of  times, 
and  puts  it  together  different  every  time. — ■ 
Weather  much  cooler. — Mrs.  Noah  took  our 
furs  out  of  the  moth-ball  chest. — Tonight  we 
saw  the  aurora  borealis.  To  me  it  looked  like  a 
kaleidoscope. — The  old  Ark  is  certainly  flying. 
We’ll  be  at  the  pole  before  you  can  say  Jack 
Robinson. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


123 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Cold!  The  thermometer  was  frozen  when  I 
got  up  this  morning. — We  are  in  the  ice  fields, 
and  getting  near  the  pole.  The  bears  are 
relieved.  Don’t  have  to  fan  them  any  more. 
The  seals  are  again  contented. — Mrs.  Ham  said 
she  wished  she  had  never  seen  the  Ark.  I  wish 
she  had  her  wish.  She  is  as  much  bother  as  an 
old  maid.  And  I’m  glad  there  weren’t  any  good 
old  maids  to  transport. — We  are  all  wearing  our 
furs. — Thank  goodness,  I  can  sleep  tonight  and 
not  worry  about  those  bears. 


124 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Ice  cold!  My  beard  was  frozen  today. — 
At  noon  we  passed  over  the  pole.  Thought  I 
would  see  something,  but  I  was  disappointed. 
Nothing  there  but  ice  and  water.  I  wonder  who 
will  say  they  discovered  the  place?  At  last, 
Ham  repaired  the  ice  machine.  I  overheard  him 
telling  his  wife  he  had  forgotten  to  turn  on  some 
valve.  I  am  going  to  discharge  him  as  soon  as 
we  get  on  land. — Those  bears  actually  smiled 
today.  They  seem  to  enjoy  the  attention  they 
have  been  paid  of  late. — Too  cold  to  promenade 
the  deck  or  stand  on  the  bridge,  so  I  gave  the 
officers  a  night  off. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


125 


THURSDAY. 

Remarks  : 

What  the  Medes  and  Persians  say  about 
trouble  coming  in  bunches  is  true.  Now,  the 
heating  apparatus  won’t  work.  Nothing  like 
that  ever  happened  when  we  were  down  south. 
At  2.20  the  hippo  began  shivering.  At  2.30 
the  metriorhynchus  superciliosus  began  shaking. 
At  3.00  the  elephants  shivered.  At  4.00  the 
bothriospondylus  madagascariensis  began  shak¬ 
ing.  At  4.15  the  Ark  shook. — We  drove  the 
birds  to  the  boiler  room,  and  put  the  butterflies 
into  the  thermo  bottle. — Surely  poor  Job  won’t 
have  more  troubles  than  poor  me. 


126 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks: 

No  time  for  remarks.  Busy  hot-water  bot¬ 
tling  the  tropical  animals. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


127 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  ; 

The  Noah  family  slept  in  the  boiler  room 
last  night.  I  do  love  the  fire  this  weather. — 
The  Ark  looks  like  an  iceberg. — We’re  going 
downhill  just  as  fast  as  those  old  engines  will 
take  us.  Passed  over  Spitzbergen  this  after¬ 
noon. — I  can’t  get  down  south  too  soon  to 
please  me.  I’m  going  to  cruise  around  the 
Tropic  of  Cancer  until  I  get  thawed  out. — The 
women  folks  are  dead  tired.  It  does  them  good 
to  work  once  in  a  while.  This  is  the  first  time 
they  have  done  anything  to  pay  for  their 
passage,  and  they  shouldn’t  complain.  If  that 
fool  python  would  only  coil  up,  he  wouldn’t 
take  half  so  many  hot-water  bags. — Can’t  spare 
the  hot-water  for  my  bath. 


128 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SUNDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Ham  burst  into  my  cabin  early  this  morning 
and  said  he  had  repaired  the  heat.  Ordered  the 
hot-water-bottle  brigade  to  stop. — I  want  to 
sleep  in  peace  tonight. — Services  this  a.m. 
Everybody  went  to  sleep. — Reached  our  regular 
course  this  afternoon. — I’m  thankful  for  lots  of 
things  today. — I’m  thankful  we  are  back  here  in 
the  warm  weather,  that  I  wasn’t  left  ashore, 
that  the  Ark  doesn’t  leak,  and  that  I  haven’t  had 
a  mutiny. — Now,  I’m  going  to  bed.  Put  the 
alarm-sundial  in  the  trunk. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


129 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

This  warm  weather  is  fine.— We  had  more 
excitement  on  board  today.  The  foxes  broke 
out  of  their  cages.  We  held  a  hurried  council  of 
war.  I  was  elected  M.  F.  H.  Shem  and  I  put 
up  the  hurdles  along  the  promenade  deck,  and 
then  I  took  the  hounds  out  of  their  kennels. 
Mrs.  Noah  and  I  rode  the  horses,  while  the 
others  came  along  on  whatever  they  could  find. 
My  wife  complained  because  she  did  not  bring 
her  riding  habit.  To  quiet  her  I  let  her  wear  my 
top  hat. 

We  had  a  pleasant  ride  before  the  dogs  took 
up  the  scent.  Then  the  chase  began.  The 
barking  of  the  dogs  was  deafening.  We  finally 
saw  the  foxes  jumping  over  the  hatches  and 
rainwater  barrels.  Had  a  hard  time  keeping 
up  with  the  hounds,  and  I  think  we  would  have 
done  better  if  Yorick  had  kept  out  of  the  way. 
At  last,  we  treed  them  in  an  air  funnel.  Shem 
went  below  and  smoked  them  out,  and  then  we 
chased  them  back  to  their  dens.  I  was  sorry 
I  couldn’t  get  the  tails  for  the  ladies.  We  all  had 

a  fine  breakfast  in  the  saloon  after  the  hunt. 

9 


130 


Then  the  Chase  began 


TUESDAY. 


Remarks  : 

Stiff  today.  Guess  I  had  too  much  exercise 
yesterday.  I’m  not  as  young  a  man  as  I  was  a 
few  centuries  ago. — The  goose  laid  an  egg.  It 
wasn’t  gold.  I  must  have  brought  the  wrong 
goose. — Tonight  we  held  a  parlour  entertain¬ 
ment  in  the  salon.  Ham  did  some  tricks.  I 
never  knew  he  was  clever  before.  He  took  a 
rabbit,  a  gold-fish  bowl,  a  pair  of  pigeons,  two 
white  rats,  and  a  guinea  pig  out  of  my  top  hat. 
It  was  most  extraordinary.  I  don’t  see  why  I 
brought  all  the  animals  along  if  Ham  can  bring 
them  out  of  a  hat  like  that. 


132 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


WEDNESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Had  a  narrow  escape  today.  While  I  was 
dusting  the  cow  stable  the  cow’s  husband  went 
for  me.  I  didn’t  do  anything  to  make  him 
angry.  I  was  only  standing  there  wiping  the 
perspiration  from  my  forehead  with  my  ban¬ 
danna.  I  didn’t  study  running  for  nothing 
when  I  went  to  school.  He  chased  me  around 
the  boat  eleven  times  before  I  discovered  it  was 
my  bandanna  that  offended  him.  Wonder  if 
that  fool  bull  thinks  I’m  going  to  carry  my  white 
Sunday  handkerchief  on  working  days? 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


133 


FRIDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Began  taking  soundings  today — 15  cubits  of 
water. — We  are  just  sailing  along  in  our  own 
sweet  way. — Escorted  the  ladies  through  the 
steerage  this  afternoon. — Judging  from  the 
manner  the  dogs  are  scratching  there  must  be 
some  baby  fleas  aboard.  Won  ship’s  pool. 


134 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


SATURDAY.  Sounding — 14-nr  cubits. 
Remarks  : 

One  of  the  sponges  was  quite  ill  during  the 
night.  I  soaked  him  in  some  castor  oil. — This 
morning  I  took  a  piece  of  parchment.  On  it  I 
wrote  my  name  and  address  and  a  note  asking 
the  fellow  who  finds  it  to  drop  me  a  line.  Put  it 
in  a  bottle  and  threw  it  overboard. — Fourteen 
more  kittens  today. — Took  my  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


135 


SUNDAY.  Sounding — same. 

Remarks  : 

Today  is  Easter.  Held  a  special  service  this 
morning.  Later  Mrs.  Noah  and  the  girls  dressed 
in  their  new  spring  clothes  and  their  new  bonnets. 
Those  hats  were  sights.  The  ladies  marched 
about  the  deck,  while  we  males  had  to  admire 
them  as  they  passed.  I  must  say  Mrs.  Noah 
looked  a  couple  of  hundred  years  younger  than 
usual. — She  gave  me  a  lecture  because  I  wore 
my  bedroom  slippers  on  deck. — Oh!  I’ll  be  glad 
to  get  ashore. 


136 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


NEXT  FRIDAY.  Sounding — 12  cubits. 
Remarks  : 

Have  not  written  in  the  log-book  for  the  past 
week.  It’s  a  nuisance.  The  company  will  prob¬ 
ably  haul  me  over  the  coals. — Weather,  animals, 
and  family  just  the  same. — Today  I  thought  I 
would  send  out  a  bird  to  see  if  there  was  any 
land  afloat.  Tossed  up  a  coin  to  see  whether  I 
would  use  a  red  or  black  raven.  Black  won. 
When  I  opened  the  window,  the  raven  quoth 
“never  more”  and  flew  away.  Expected  her 
back  tonight  at  supper-time,  but  up  until  now 
(1 1 .30  p.m.)  she  has  not  put  in  an  appearance. — 
Terribly  worried. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


137 


SATURDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Confound  that  raven.  She  hasn’t  showed  up 
yet.  That  bird  has  either  found  land  or  she  is 
some  flyer.— Put  the  egg  she  laid  in  the  incuba¬ 
tor. — This  afternoon  Mrs.  Ham  told  fortunes 
with  cards.  Had  her  tell  mine.  She  said  I  soon 
would  travel  to  a  strange  land,  and  that  I  should 
beware  of  a  tall,  striking  blonde.  She  declared 
I  would  inherit  large  tracts  of  land.  She  also 
fortuned  I  would  have  family  trouble,  and  that 
I  should  curb  my  passion  for  beverages.  That 
was  a  mean  fortune,  but  I  don’t  take  much  stock 
in  these  soothsayings. — Ham  had  a  worse  for¬ 
tune  than  mine.  According  to  his  wife,  he  has 
dark  days  before  him,  and  he  has  to  travel  to  a 
hot  country  and  work  like  the  old  Nick. — Took 
my  bath. 


Mrs.  Ham  told  fortunes  with  card 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


139 


SUNDAY.  Sounding — could  not  touch  bot¬ 
tom  with  the  lead  line.  We  must  be  over  some 
ocean. 

Remarks  : 

Services.  Ham  spilled  the  collection  plate. — 
I  wonder  what  is  keeping  that  raven? — Guess  I 
should  have  sent  the  old  cat.  They  always 
come  back. — Wish  it  would  rain. 


140 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY.  Sounding — hit  ground  again — 
1 1  cubits. 

Remarks  : 

No  raven! — Today  is  the  500th  anniversary 
of  my  marriage.  These  have  been  500  long, 
long  years.  That’s  quite  a  while  to  live  with  one 
woman.  It’s  our  radium  anniversary.  Did 
not  receive  any  presents. — By  this  time  I  know 
all  her  faults.  My,  I’ve  learned  a  lot  in  these 
years.  I’ve  found  that  Mrs.  Noah  never  makes 
a  mistake,  that  I  am  always  wrong,  and  that 
everything  has  always  been  my  fault.  It’s 
funny  how  these  women  have  their  own  way. 
Grandpa  used  to  say  it  was  just  the  same  when 
he  was  young. — Just  to  think — everybody  who 
attended  our  wedding — preacher  and  all — have 
passed  away. 

Mrs.  Noah  dressed  in  her  wedding  gown  to¬ 
night.  It  has  come  into  style  again.  It  made 
me  think  how  crazy  I  used  to  be  about  her.  I 
was  a  young  skylarker  then.  She  used  to  sing 
in  the  temple  choir.  Tonight  she  reminded  me 
of  a  few  pet  names  I  used  to  call  her.  If  what 
she  said  was  true,  I  must  have  been  foolish. 
I  had  to  tell  her  that  I  love  her  more  and  more 
as  each  century  rolls  by. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


141 

SATURDAY.  Five  days  later.  Sounding — 

9  cubits. 

Remarks  : 

The  pigeon  left  on  schedule  time.  I  tied  a  ' 
message  to  her  feet  giving  my  name  and  nauti¬ 
cal  position.  She  first  tacked  a  bit  to  starboard, 
and  then  took  a  crow’s  course  to  land.  At 
5.32  p.m.  she  came  back  with  muddy  feet  and  an 
olive  branch  in  her  mouth.  Hurrah !  the  waters 
are  evaporating  from  off  the  face  of  the  earth. — 

I  don’t  care  whether  that  raven  comes  back  or 
not.  Her  egg  hatched. — We  had  fresh  olives  for 
supper. — Bath.  Course — toward  that  tree. 


142 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


THE  NEXT  SATURDAY.  Sounding— 7 
cubits.  Everything  will  soon  be  mud. 

Remarks  : 

Let  the  pigeon  have  another  fly.  She  has 
either  gone  with  the  raven  or  found  another  tree. 
Perhaps  someone  shot  her. — My  observations 
show  we  are  approaching  land. — Ham  is  plan¬ 
ning  an  expedition  to  find  the  pot  of  gold  at  the 
end  of  the  rainbow. — The  women  folks  spent 
most  of  the  day  answering  their  steamer  letters, 
and  reading  guide-books.  I’ve  been  thinking 
those  Peruvian  llamas  are  going  to  have  a  long 
journey  before  they  get  home. — The  purser  has 
sold  all  the  postage  stamps.  The  postcards  are 
also  having  a  great  sale. — Took  a  bath. 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


143 


SUNDAY.  Sounding — 5  cubits. 

Remarks  : 

Services. — Have  been  reading  about  Ararat. 
It’s  a  mountain  16,964  feet  high.  Some  authors 
say  there  is  snow  on  the  top.  There  must  be 
some  mistake  because  olives  don’t  grow  in 
snow. — Am  not  sure  of  the  docking  facilities. 
Ham  thinks  it  would  be  easier  to  stop  the  Ark 
in  the  harbour  instead  of  at  the  regular  wharf. — 
I  will  be  relieved  when  the  cargo  pass  the  quaran¬ 
tine. — Got  my  money  changed  by  the  purser. 
Now,  I  have  to  think  about  tips. — The  women 
folks  are  bothering  me  about  the  time  of  land¬ 
ing. — Some  queer  things  are  happening  on  the 
Ark  these  days.  I  see  the  ladies  sewing  lace 
where  lace  doesn’t  belong.  Mrs.  Noah  wants 
me  to  wear  her  necklace  day  after  tomorrow. 
She  never  would  let  me  do  that  before. — Slipped 
two  boxes  of  cigars  in  Mrs.  Noah’s  trunk.  No 
officer  will  ever  think  of  looking  there  for  them. 


144 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


MONDAY. 

Remarks  : 

The  ladies  are  bothering  me  about  the  cus¬ 
tom  regulations,  just  as  though  I  hadn’t  enough 
troubles  of  my  own. — Spent  the  morning  pack¬ 
ing  and  making  out  my  reports. — Gave  the 
captain’s  dinner  tonight.  It  was  a  swell  affair. 
We  all  came  in  our  evening  robes.  Ham  drew 
the  menus.  We  only  saved  enough  food  for 
tomorrow.  I  opened  some  of  the  wine  grand¬ 
pa  made.  Um!!  We  drank  each  others’ 
health  all  evening.  Japheth  made  a  fine  speech 
in  which  he  congratulated  me  on  the  safe 
passage.  He  said  I  was  the  greatest  captain 
afloat,  and  that  he  would  tell  all  his  friends 
about  the  line.  Mrs.  Shem  spoke  for  the  ladies. 
She  thanked  me  for  the  attention  I  had  paid 
them  during  the  trip.  Ham  tried  to  speak,  but 
he  forgot  it.  He  upset  the  flower  dish. — In 
replying  I  said  the  passengers  were  the  finest 
who  had  ever  sailed  under  me.  Then  I  de¬ 
livered  the  regular  captain’s  address.  I  thought 
their  expressions  might  have  taken  a  tangible 
form,  but  I  was  disappointed.  We  ended  by 
singing,  “For  he’s  a  jolly  good  fellow.”  That 
meant  me. — Sighted  the  Ararat  lighthouse. 


145 


146 


THE  LOG  OF  THE  ARK 


TUESDAY. 

Remarks  : 

Passed  quarantine  at  9.15.  At  anchor. 
Ararat  just  ahead.  Fine  big  mountain,  but  very 
muddy. — Saw  the  raven  and  the  pigeon  roosting 
on  the  olive  tree. — We’re  all  anxious  to  get 
ashore.  Guess  we  will  feel  the  motion  of  the 
boat  for  a  few  days. — I  have  decided  to  retire 
from  the  sea,  and  go  in  for  real  estate.  Business 
will  be  dull  for  a  while,  but  it  will  pick  up  in  time. 
— I’m  getting  along  in  years  to  do  this  pioneering 
work,  but  it  must  be  done.  Posterity  worries  me 
a  great  deal.  Why  should  it?  What  has  pos¬ 
terity  ever  done  for  me? 

The  animals  are  making  a  lot  of  noise?  They 
smell  the  green  grass. — The  ladies  are  on  deck 
admiring  the  rainbow. — We  expect  to  land  late 
this  afternoon. — I  must  stop  writing,  and  get 
up  on  the  bridge  to  whistle  for  the  pilot. 

Well,  if  we  ever  have  another  flood,  I’ll  know 
just  what  to  do. 


LAND. 


Land! 


147 


